Almost 2019, Oh My!

Well... it's already Christmas! Five months since my last update- wow! Two weeks ago I officially finished my first semester of grad school- all A's! I never pulled straight A's in nursing school, so I was surprised at this achievement! I am very thankful for the opportunity to be studying midwifery and that Kennet is working hard to pay our bills and cover our needs while I study full-time.  

We are living with Kennet's parents and his four siblings, although his sister just got married so she and her husband are now our neighbors and there are just 3 siblings in the house. Although I would rather live in a shared space with extended family rather than neighbors as we did in rural Guatemala, living with family can be wearying. 

Still, no matter who I'm living with or not living with, my problem is that I am constantly comparing myself to everyone else who I think I want to be like, and in any situation I will focus on what is wrong and want to fix it, rather than enjoying what is. It happened in Guatemala when I wanted to be with family either in Pennsylvania or Honduras, and it's happening now when I feel frustrated that Kennet and I don't have our own space nor privacy, something I think is necessary when trying to build our own family and traditions. 
I also have never had a permanent home since moving out of the house I grew up in at 18 years old- almost a decade ago. It's been constantly short-term housing, with belongings in storage here and there and everywhere. Maybe I shouldn't long for something so materialistic, but I do long for a permanent place to call home. Something that is ours. 

But with or without family, with or without a home, this "destination addiction" is something that is problematic for me. That idea that happiness is always at the next place causes this constant discontentment. I know that it is related to depression and wanting something external to make me feel better. This is something I've always had. I thought moving to Guatemala after "graduating" from homeschool at age 18 would make me happy. I though moving to Honduras after living in Guatemala would make me happy. I thought studying nursing at the university would make me happy. I thought working at the clinic in Guatemala would make me happy, that getting married would make me happy, that getting a puppy or having a baby would make me happy. Let's be real here: nothing makes me happy. 

Happiness has to come from within. And if I am always comparing myself to others and not dealing with the root of my problem within, I will miss out on the gift that is now.

What complicates this for me is that while I alway want something else or something more, guilt always coexists with this want. On a daily basis I see the extreme poverty that is the majority of Honduras. It's hard for me that we live in a house that is moldy and falling apart. That is infested with rats, mosquitos, and cockroaches, that rain water pours down the walls of my room. But if I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, even if it's patched with tarps, that I have electricity and warm water on most days and never have to miss a meal, that I am strong and able-bodied even with chronic back pain, I can see that I am indeed blessed beyond measure and I should give generously to helps those children, single moms, and the handicapped who I encounter daily on the streets. The pain and suffering is overwhelming and can be paralyzing. I have to constantly remind myself that no one can fix everything, but everyone can do something to help someone else. 

This Christmas season, I want to encourage you to be thankful for what you do have, and look for every opportunity to be generous and pay it forward. 

And to give you a preview of the next update...After the New Year on January 15th, we finally have our interview at the US Embassy in Tegucigalpa for Kennet's green card. We have officially been in this process for a YEAR (after we got married last year in August, we didn't receive our marriage certificate until December because of many governmental issues and political unrest, so nothing was being processed), and although we weren't supposed to get an interview date for 3-5 months right now in December after the National Visa Center accepted our case as complete, we got it in less than a month! That may seem like something little, but it's huge! This year has a been a lot of waiting, extremely tedious paperwork, and a lot of fees for everything. I don't wish this process on anyone. Needless to say, I'm so glad that we are literally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and we will soon stop having to pay the US government what feels like outrageous fees every time I blink! 

That is all for now... thank you for reading, I appreciate any feedback or comments! 

GUA- HN- USA (PA)

August 2018 marks the beginning of a new chapter for Kennet and me. I am officially beginning my studies to be a Certified Nurse- Midwife (CNM) at Jefferson University in Philadelphia (graduating class of 2020). The classes are online and we'll be living in Honduras until I begin my clinical rotations at the Maternity Center in Geisinger Bloomsburg Hospital in PA beginning in mid- 2019.

There have been many little frustrations that came with renting this little house (most of which are to be expected when living in a rural area of a developing country), but one of my favorite things has been watching the front yard turn from a muddy patch into a beautiful garden, and the beautiful sunsets we were occasionally graced with over the lake and mountains.

I am very thankful to my friend Erica McElroy, DO, who hired me as a brand new RN to work at the Casa Materna here in San Juan. I have grown in many ways during my two years here, and have seen the clinic go from a building full of dusty boxes to a clinic and birth center helping hundreds of women and babies. I wish this clinic the very best, that they will continue to collaborate with others doing similar work and implement more birthing centers in areas of need.
I have had more challenges than I ever expected, and I think that if I knew what was coming my way I wouldn't have signed up for it. But without doubt those challenges have helped me develop myself (a stereotypical average-unhealthy Enneagram 9!) into a better person. I feel that my experience here has prepared me for midwifery school, and I feel very eager to learn and become the best practitioner I can be. I am hoping the learning curve from maternal-infant care in rural Guatemala to the care I will learn to give while in university isn't completely overwhelming!

Looking back over the past two years, I feel most grateful to Kennet for supporting me in the work here. He is the one who originally convinced me that I should take this job, and
he sacrificed a lot so that we could be here. 

The playground/park near our house next to the lake where we spent many afternoons
and evenings relaxing and working out

So from August this year until April of next year we will be living in San Pedro Sula, Honduras, with Kennet's family, and we can't wait to be close to family again! I am officially a Honduran resident (hooray!) and we are waiting for Kennet's Green Card to be ready late this year or early next year, although there is no guaranteed timeline. We are so close to being able to live in the USA and Honduras without restrictions! If you've been in the process of US visas and residencies, you know it is a long (and frustrating) process. I hope that we are almost seeing the light at the end if the tunnel. 

I was surprised to learn from lawyer who is helping us with Kennet's documents the number of tourist visas that get cancelled willy-nilly. The immigration officers literally do not need a legal reason to cancel a tourist visa. It is based on their "discretion." Many people ask why Kennet's visa was cancelled in 2014, and there actually isn't a legal reason. My conclusion is that is was God sending him back to Honduras to meet me :) The lawyer basically said that a tourist visa is your chance to "knock on the door" but it does not guarantee you entrance. I never knew that until going through this process. 

I begin classes on August 20 (ironically the birthdate of my little brother who died in childbirth 💔), and while Kennet moves all of our belonging from here (Guate) to Honduras,I will spend the first 2.5 weeks of the month in PA to visit family and friends and spend time with my Rwandan family-  my sister Emily, her husband, their little boy, and new baby due at the end of July will also be in PA during that time!

That is the latest from the Silva-Haas family. Stay tuned! 

National Foster Care Month

This year is the the 30th National Foster Care Month in the USA. It began in 1988 with President Ronald Reagan.

To me, it is a reminder of the Gospel, the greatest news of all time:

God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

-Ephesians 1:5

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."

-Romans 8:15

My mom shared this video recently, and I was reminded once again how my family and I personally have been blessed by both foster care and adoption, and how grateful I am for those who are a part of this.  

In honor of this month, I want to share with you two (of the many) organizations that I have come to love and support. They work with orphan prevention (something that has become very important to me), foster care, and adoption.

The first one is here in Guatemala, Hope for Home Ministries. It was founded and is operated by one of my friend's family. They specifically work with special-needs orphans and families who have children with special needs. Because of limited funds and staff, they have to turn away several needy children per day. Just recently, they had to turn away a group of six siblings ages 13 and younger, two of siblings being pregnant. Most children who can't be placed into safe homes stay with their abusive families or get put into overcrowded and abusive government facilities. 

I have been fortunate to be able to collaborate in small ways with the nurse they work with who is taking on their new birthing center project which will be built outside of a large dump. 

If you'd like to support them or learn more about them, check them out here.

The second ministry is in my second homeland- Honduras. My friend Tara and her husband founded and run this organization called Identity Mission. They work with public orphanages, private orphanages, training Christian foster families, supporting families so they don't have to give their children away, and finding adoptive families when it isn't possible for children to stay with their family.

If you'd like to support them or learn more about them, you can visit them here.

BONUS: any donation to you give to them this month will be doubled in honor of National Foster Care Month!

I read a blog recently from Story International here in Guatemala with this statistic:

“Each year, approximately 14,050,000 children turn 18 and age out of the system. They cease to be included in the total number of orphans worldwide. They do not, however, cease to be a vulnerable population."

Do you have a story to share about orphan prevention, foster care, or adoption? I'd love to hear about it!

I was remembering recently how God designed us as humans to be part of loving families. The family is God's design. And I remembered how Jesus Christ himself was adopted by his father, Joseph. Another example to me of the beauty of adoption.

Starting Clean In 2018

The title of this blog is the motto of a dear friend of mine who I've know my whole life but we haven't always kept in touch... We recently reconnected and she has become a friend who I can tell anything to and I will receive zero judgement and complete understanding. Everyone needs one of those kind of lifelong friends! 


30 days into 2018! 1/12 of the way through the year! How are you resolutions going? What are your resolutions?

Nicaragua, January 2018

Kennet's first time horseback riding! My favorite pastime of all we finally did together! At Morgan's Rock in Nicaragua with friends + family

I have to be honest and say that I haven't set resolutions this year, and I don't know when's the last time I did. I do know that whenever it was, I definitely didn't complete them. 

Starting in the end of October right before my 26th birthday, I began the Master Heart Course by Christa Black Gifford (see the end of my second-to-last post). I didn't even make it through the first week out of the six and I decided to.. let's say, "postpone" it until New Years.. or... sometime. That was my way of putting it off indefinitely until the "right" time or a "better" time. I didn't want to face everything in my heart. It was (is) easier to keep the door shut and locked and keep pretending my way through life. 

Well, the New Year came and went and Kennet and I had a great time during the holidays with both of our families. I spent some time in Sanibel, Florida at my family's home, then we spent Christmas and New Years with Kennet's family in Honduras and then we traveled to Nicaragua to see friends and my family again for my mom's 60th birthday. It was a great time. On the surface. Story of my life.

The story of my life has been a struggle to know my inherent value, to love myself, to live with happiness (see my posts from July and November 2014). It has been deep valleys, but no doubt with some small mountain tops along the way. Mountain tops such as working as a fundraiser for children's medical care in Honduras, graduating with my BSN (nursing) degree, getting married (not just to anyone but to someone who is fun and loves people and knows what commitment and unconditional love mean), helping start a birthing center in Guatemala, getting accepted into graduate school... all of these external things. They have all been more or less based on my my achievements, coming out of eighteen years of not believing I'd amount to anything or was worth anyone's time.

I have been fortunate to be surrounded by many strong people of God who have spent time with me, talked with me, prayed over me; these people have helped sustain me throughout my life. But I have always struggled with happiness. Hence why three months after getting married I was so happy to begin this course that I thought would so easily fix me. I shut that door very quickly when I learned that "easily" wasn't part of it. I quickly saw this course wasn't like any other retreat or conference I've attended in the past (though I've attended some great ones which have had lasting impact in my life). And it dawned on me, life isn't about quick fixes, ever. It's about being faithful throughout the journey. Anything worthwhile is going to take hard work.

Now I'm approaching six months of being married (what!), and I'm feeling tired of making life not fun for not only me, but for both of us. I'm tired of my mood and my words and my actions being based on whatever is determining my mood in a given moment. I want my thoughts to shape my reality, not my reality to shape my thoughts. I want to be in control. I know that the Bible is full of writings about being content in all circumstances, taking control of ourselves, knowing our inherent invaluable value having been created in the image of God, rejoicing always, but I've never been able to get anything from the Bible from my head to my heart. Not in any real way.

Over this past month of really procrastinating with taking control of myself and starting this course, literally every book, Instagram post, blog, vlog (I love them-- I am currently following the vlog of Nabeel and Michelle Qureshi on YouTube), song, sermon... everything I've read or listened to has been pointing me towards the fact that  I  have to put in the effort [Passion City Church's Nov 5, 2017 sermon is one of the best I've heard on this topic]... I have to make a conscious decision and take the action to accomplish what God desires to do in my life. This is a daily happening. As Levi Lusko says, "victory in your life doesn't come through one thing and now you're undefeated, it's small things continuously repeated."

Shortly after we got married on a particularly down day, I told Kennet, "I just want someone to give me permission to be happy." He told me, "I give you permission!"

In Braving the Wilderness, the book my sisters and I are reading right now in our book club, Brené Brown says, "I sat on the edge of my bed and fought back tears. I started thinking, I need a permission slip. I need a permission slip to stop being so serious and afraid. I need to give myself permission to have fun today. That got the idea started....I wrote myself a permission slip on a post-it note from my computer bag. It simply said, 'permission to be excited and goofy, and to have fun.' It would be the first of hundreds of permission slips I would go on to write for myself. I still write them today. And I teach everyone who will give me five minutes of their time the power of this intention-setting method.... Set the intention, follow through."

Recently my friend texted me, "Satan's greatest victory would be stealing the beauty that your life is shining forth in this season! It is magnificent, full of adventure, beauty, newness, and hope!! Yes revel and enjoy today!!! Because today is so very good!!!..."

So when's the "right" time to start taking control, to set your resolutions? To not let Satan have the victory for another moment? Now. Whenever now is. Don't wait for the stars to align in a certain way or for a certain date.
I am starting to put in my side of the deal, and yes, it seems daunting. Overwhelming. But when I think of my life over the past 26 years and what I want for the next 26+ years (or just this present moment since I don't know what is past this moment), putting in the work totally seems worth it. Especially when there is more than enough grace for each thought, decision, and act. Remember, more than enough grace and forgiveness for every mistake that I will make every day. This year I want to begin establishing myself as a happy person because that is who I am. Not because of something external.

For people who don't struggle with depression, low-self esteem/ self-worth, constantly feeling overwhelmed by the sadness and insanity of humanity, this post might not make sense. But I hope to encourage those of you who do understand me and can relate. I hope that you can join me in choosing to put negative thoughts away and choosing to be happy. If for no other reason than you deserve to be happy and I deserve to be happy. It's how we were intended to live. And if you are already on that journey, I'm glad to be joining you!

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

Maya Angelou


I saw the face of God in me. If you look in the mirror and have any condemning thought, you don’t know what you’re looking at, because I’m made in the beauty and likeness of the Trinity and so are you.
Christa Black Gifford