merry christmas, for real this time

a few weeks ago around thanksgiving time when i was in missouri visiting family, everything christmas began to happen as it does every year. christmas music, christmas advertisements, organizations fundraising to help people in need, christmas drinks and christmas cookies, santa and his reindeer and christmas trees and christmas movies nativity scenes begin to pop up everywhere. and it's beautiful, people are happy for the holidays, to be with family and to give and receive gifts, and for many, to celebrate the birth of jesus. i am spending christmas in honduras this year and even now the billboards are all about christmas, the malls and the homes are decorated with lights and trees and ornaments and santa, all the churches celebrating the birth of jesus; everything christmas you would imagine.


this year when everything christmas began to happen, i was surprised to realize that for the first time i was enjoying the christmas music and looking forward to christmastime in general. the moment i realized i was enjoying it all was when i realized how much i have dreaded christmastime for my whole life.

my family does not celebrate christmas, so every year growing up, people would inevitably ask my when we would be getting our christmas tree or what i got for christmas. sometimes i would make something up, but usually for the tree i always told people that my family didn't put up a tree because "i don't know" or "my mom doesn't like them."

there were three things that were happy for me about christmas, and that was on christmas eve every year, we would celebrate my cousin david's birthday and a lot of my mom's side of the family would come together for that. then on christmas day my mom's parents would come over and she would make a lamb roast. my siblings and i were also a part of our church's huge annual nativity outdoor musical which was a highlight of my year. so if the topic of christmas came up, i could usually talk about one of those three things and pretend like i was normal.

in general, with everyone being so happy to celebrate christmas and my family not celebrating it, i think it makes sense that a kid like me would dread christmastime. the thing is that until this year, i didn't realize that i dreaded it so much because i had gotten used to it, it was my normal. so then i began to wonder, why am i enjoying christmastime this year? i know that part of it, maybe all of it, is that i have come to believe that i don't think it's bad or sinful to celebrate christmas. and because i was taught as a child that christmas is materialism and christmas trees are bad and christmas is a pagan holiday and not the real birth time of jesus, i naturally believed that i would be doing something wrong to be celebrating it. it was always an inward battle when all my church friends would be celebrating, and i didn't know what to think, if they were sinning or not.

because over about the past year i have been working on becoming my own person with with my own beliefs and figuring out what beliefs i'm taking from my parents and which ones i'm leaving, i've realized that i love christmas and i want to join in the happiness with everyone. it is a very tangible sign to me that i am developing boundaries in my own life and am making my own decisions in confidence without guilt.

i do still feel awkward when people bring up the whole "going home to family" and make comments such as "there must be so many presents under your family's tree!" but now that i am figuring out what christmas means to me i am also figuring out an appropriate response to comments and conversations like these.

i don't appreciate the way that the US makes christmas so materialistic (as well as most countries i would think) and i personally am not about buying christmas presents or believing in santa, but i think it's a great story and i love trees and lights and decorations and music and cookies and the nativity. and i think that people should be free to celebrate it (or not!) as they wish with no judgement toward or from others.

and i think that so what if it's not the real birth of jesus, he should be celebrated any day and everyday, and if we've turned a pagan holiday into something beautiful, then i think that's great. let's keep turning more things into a celebration of him.

so merry christmas, friends, and for the first time, i mean it!

 

because he lives... good study break music for finals week!

musings

Think not that I have forgotten those for whom you pray. Think rather of the many signs that your way is know to Me. Embrace those you love, near and far, with arms of love, prayer arms. Let My love flow through your prayers to bless. Truly I say to you, My love seeks an entrance into lives that are closed to My voice. My love seeks without violating the freedom I have bestowed. My love waits, and in the meantime, I call you to believe, to expect, to love, and to pray. That is a dignity and a privilege I have bestowed on you. Do not despise it, My child.

With my peace I bless those who seek it. It is found in the unexpected places and times, for it is not a peace as the world knows it. My peace is found in surrender. To the extent that you agree with my will, you realize that peace. It may be in the midst of uncertainty, even of pain, but when your will is united with Mine, peace follows. It cannot be otherwise. 
Stress grows from your vain attempt to control your future. It comes from believing that you know the way you should go. O foolish one! I am the Way and I know the way. To surrender is to give in to My way over yours. Since my way is life and peace, does it not make sense to choose it? Great peace have they who love My way. 

-Hal Helms

These past few weeks have been very hard for me because of the continued struggle and seemingly insurmountable setbacks being thrown at me, despite efforts to move forward with improving the dynamics and communication in my immediate family. It has been just about one year now since we started counseling with our counselor and life coach who has personally helped me come so far and helped my family develop better life skills. I was beginning to develop higher and higher hopes as I began to get my own life together and I was learning how to love my family better as a whole with all the different tensions and dynamics with so many people (14, plus my two baby brothers who aren't here with us [Nov 11 and Aug 20 are their birthdays so I'm especially thinking of them today], plus now my 8 dear little nieces and nephews). Life is hard no matter what, family is hard no matter what, and the more people there are, the more differing opinions you can have, but also I believe (at least I want to believe!) the more love there can be!
Progress was slow but sure, because we were seeking help and seeking God while learning so much about ourselves and our family and how to live life well. However, my siblings and I received new recently that my parents have decided to stop the counseling process altogether. There was potential that our counselor would only be working with the siblings and in-laws from now on (as my parents were not liking the process), so it was a literal shock to receive the news that it was coming to a sudden stop. After the shock wore off, I sat at my desk and in although I wanted to study, I burst into tears at the sadness and the seemingly hopelessness of it all. Without seeking continued help it seems that our slow progress would become so much slower and more difficult to navigate.
With the stress of needing to achieve a certain exam average on each of my tests this semester in order to be able to stay in the nursing program at my university, it all seems completely overwhelming. Totally  beyond what I can handle. I am not the brightest crayon in the box nor the sharpest tool in the shed, and although I know that God is equipping me one day at a time for what He has called me to do and has invited me to be a part of, and I know that He is allowing me to go through all of this at once, it sure feels like I cannot handle all of it. In that regard I feel like I am neglecting much of family-related things that I need to be working on because my focus has been my education right now.
I talked with my two older sisters for a while that day (we called an emergency three-way iMessage meeting), and we sorted through feelings of anger and sadness and frustration and then we reminded ourselves to never lose hope and to keep on keeping on every day, no matter the obstacles, and to laugh to keep from crying. Laughter is good medicine.

As I sort through all my varying thoughts and feelings that come each day, there are two lessons that I am learning right now.

Never give up. Never stop praying.  I cannot choose how other people will live their lives or treat me, but I can have control over my own life and not let them invade my boundaries, and I can love them where they are. God is the one in ultimate control, and I have to choose to love and respect because of Him. He knows what is happening right now, He knows everyone's hearts, He knows the future, I do not. All I can do and need to do is love in the appropriate way.
It's kind of ironic and cool that Max Lucado was the speaker this past weekend at Show Hope's annual fellowship weekend... and what did he speak on? Prayer. Simple prayer. Check out his book "before amen" if you are interested to learn more!

We are all in the same boat. In one way or another, life is hard. For everyone. Most people are suffering far more than myself in much more extreme ways. We all know the brokenness of the world, I don't need even need to explain that in any way.  I am coming to believe, however, that God does not want me to compare my sufferings or trials with others. I believe that I should trust Him through my individual circumstances and seek Him always with a heart of thankfulness. I believe that each person has unique circumstances in their lives and that the goal should be to bring about the best and to work towards honoring God always, and not comparing or ignoring problems because they seem "less than." I think every situation should be compared to God's best, and to keep working towards it.
Among my many emotions these days (and even though they seem crazy, I thank GOD that I actually have come to a place where I can feel again after several years of really not being able to do so), I have been struggling with guilt for two reasons, one is that this is somehow my fault and that if I was a better person or daughter then my mom wouldn't have left the counseling. It's a horrible feeling to think that I could have prevented this. My other bigger guilt has exactly to do with how I am learning to not compare-- I feel guilty for having these feelings and having my thoughts consumed with my own nuclear family (when not with my studies), because I feel as though most everyone else has it a whole lot worse.
My friend didn't just pass away from a heroine overdose. My little son isn't struggling with a congenital heart disease. I'm not prevented from running and dancing because of a spinal chord injury. I don't have to drop out of university because of lack of funds. This month isn't the anniversary of my dad's death. I haven't given birth to a stillborn child. I'm not being tortured for my faith or fleeing my home to seek safety. The list could goon without end. All these things are happening or have happened to the people in my life who are so close to me. But as I said before, we all the know the brokenness of the world and in each of our lives.
What I am learning though, is that we are all in the same boat in one way or another, and our feelings are the same. I may not go through what you go through, and you may not go through what I go through, but I can tell you that I believe that God goes through every struggle with us, every good day and every hard, every step of the way. He is our sustainer and He is the one hold our whole lives in His hands from beginning to end. He has given us each other to be supports to one another, to encourage each other to never give up and to keep on keeping on. To share with each other whatever we may have, the lessons we are learning.

Life is hard. If you are looking for an optimist you won't (unfortunately, I might add) find one readily in me. I am writing to myself when I blog, I write usually because I know the words in my head to be true but at the time I do not really believe them or feel that they are true in any way. I see the sadness in my own life and the sadness all around me and the whole planet. Somedays it is hard to wake up. Somedays I wish I was never born and I don't wish it upon another human being to ever have to walk the face of this broken world. Until now, I have not been able to bring myself to admit to any of my siblings or counselors (much less the public) that I have struggled with depression for many years. With our most recent counselor I was getting close to that point, but unfortunately we didn't get that far. It is (finally) something I have forced myself to bring up with my current counselor here at school,  and it was my main goal from the start to deal with this issue, because I've had so many counselors for such a short time with whom I have just beat around the bush and never dealt with the heart of the matter. I think I gained enough courage to deal with the real stuff when it dawned on me that my options were either begin to fix it or I was going jump off a cliff. So now I feel it's appropriate to talk about the process. To be honest and vulnerable is quite freeing, but it takes quite a bit of courage, an amount that I didn't have for so many years. It's hard to believe that for so long now I could have been working on this and actually be enjoying life and wanting to wake up in morning. It's amazing what fear can do to someone. It's paralyzing.
There is and has been a sense of worthlessness and emptiness deep inside me that no amount of loving words and no amount of hugs was filling (and I want to clarify that I although I know this is a lie as I wrote about back in July, what I'm trying to get at is that knowing something is a lie doesn't necessarily make the feelings then go away). It's hard to reconcile that deep within me under everything on the surface of everyday life, I truly have been believing two opposing things: that I am worthless and a burden to others and that life is really not worth living. It's strange because it's contradictory to what the people closest to me say to me and how they love me, but that is the odd and confusing part about depression I think. It doesn't just go away by ignoring it and surrounding myself with loving people. It's something deep inside that has to be worked out, something I believe only God can truly work out.  The other opposing thing I believe at the same time is that I also believe that joy is found in God in His love for us in the brokenness, in His restoration work of making beauty out of ashes and making the sick well again, of bringing God's kingdom to earth. These are things that I believe deep inside, in the core of my being. I really don't understand how the two can coexist, maybe it's that yes, my faith in God is real and I know that He loves me, but depression, just like everything else in this broken world, exists. And God wants to heal us all, but we cannot be ignorant of the brokenness. And up until now, in this case, I have been! I am in the beginning stages of this process.. if you have any words of wisdom on this subject, feel free to help a sister out!
As I close this post that I have been composing for many days now, I will say that as I continue to become more and more honest and find more freedom in life... I just might be an optimist before I know it!

Psalm 126:5: those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.

Keep on keeping on, friends. I believe it's worth the fight.
peace
anna grace haas

All I Need

I am lost

I'm alone

I have no place to go

Oh God, could you carry me home?

You're the God who saves

Yet I still run away

I'm a prodigal with no faith

Your love is all I need

And I know just what to say

I know what to do

Do I have no faith in You?

Your love is all I need

Carry me home

Come and carry me home

Your love is all I need

-The Icarus Account 

fall days

i had a very busy week with two (successful!) midterms among other things, and although i need to spend this weekend preparing for another busy coming week, i am looking forward to a four day weekend for fall free days!!! this seems to be one of my favorite times of the year. 

this morning i was at home (my brother's home- one of my many homes :)), baking pumpkin muffins to take to camilla hall (a home for retired nuns) on monday where i will be going with my nursing class. it will be our first off-campus adventure all together in our scrubs!

it was just me and acey (my dog and loyal companion of 8 years now), and as i baked and the smell of pumpkin filled the room, we both looked out the big windows to a rainy fall day, and i accepted for the first time that fall is officially here. up until now the days have been mostly warm and sunny and i have been able to wear my summer shorts and flip flops all day long. 

yesterday i had to put away the flip flops, and it was the first time i had to run in long pants and long sleeves.

we looked out at the windy and rainy fall day, and i was thankful for the rain, being reminded that last night my friend in california asked for prayers that rain would come. 

i looked across the room at the flower bouquets drying in between the windows, and i was reminded that it has been one week since the beautiful wedding of my sister emily and her husband shami. they are in greece now for their honeymoon and then will go back to their home in rwanda. although i haven't been able to easily stop my tears this week because i do miss my sister so much, i have no words to say how happy i am for them and what an honor it is to be a part of their lives, near or far.

fall is here, emily is married, i am soon beginning the second half the semester... i am trying to embrace each new season of life and not wish for what has passed and what is not yet here. that is hard for me. it helps if i try to find what i am thankful for in the present moment because otherwise it's too easy for me to wish away these busy and most of the time very stressful days. i don't want to do that because gosh, they pass so quickly!

The Long Awaited Day is Almost Here...

Tomorrow my sister Emily and her fiancé Shami arrive from Rwanda for their wedding in three weeks!!! HOORAY! I can't remember a time in my life when I've legitimately been more excited.
Whenever I want to worry that I will get behind in my studies during the wedding week and weekend, I just get too happy and my worries go away. 
I am so so so thankful and happy for them.

http://www.theknot.com/wedding/Emily-and-Shami

Freedom

What a summer it has been.. After I arrived back to the US from Rwanda, I lived with my brother Andrew and his wife Jen and their 4 hilarious and rapidly growing children. They live near my university so I was able to work of the families that I nanny for throughout the school year on a more regular basis throughout this summer. It is really a joy to spend so much of my time with all these kids! In between nannying, I went to the beach in Cape May with my sister Sarah and and some friends and cousins, I went to Maine for the wedding of a friend, I went to Sanibel to visit friends (and the beach!), I went home to Bear Creek to see family and friends for an annual reunion, I went to Danville and northern Virginia to visit friends, and I went to Missouri to nanny and see family friends... what a summer it turned out to be! all while helping my sister Emily plan her wedding which is coming on October 4th! And during all of this I have been able to make a significant amount of progress with the process of counseling that my family is in. I am growing in my faith and continuing to learn what freedom in Christ is and who I am because of Him.

And now I am officially a junior in college. What!

I am now back on campus, getting ready to be a Teaching Assistant for the incoming pre-nursing students in the Introduction to Faith, Reason, and Justice class. As I prepare for this semester and settle in and reconnect with classmates and friends, I am also thinking of Haiti.

Today was the finale of Haiti's national music competition to promote freedom and bring about awareness to Haiti's child slavery crisis. Many people worked together to bring this even together, and I'm glad that some of my family and dear friends are there along with Chris Tomlin and some US congress people to support our friends in Haiti who are working so tirelessly in continuing to bring God's kingdom to Haiti.

The world is not an easy place to live in.. no matter where you are or who you are, none of us escapes the brokenness. Although I consistently see and experience people fighting the darkness, all over the news and social media is the chaos that sometimes feels like it is taking over the world. 

I have experienced that when I take my eyes off of Jesus, the darkness does seem overwhelming and I cannot see His light that is in fact more powerful than the darkness, and in order to bring that light to every part of the world we must keep our focus on Him!

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. -1 John 1:5

My devotional from today was exactly what I needed to read as I have been thinking particularly about Haiti, but also every place in the world where people are experiencing all kinds of suffering, as all of us experience it in different ways.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me. - Psalm 23:4

My dear Child, I have no delight in the suffering of My people. I allow it only for their eternal good. Blessed are those who turn to Me in their trouble, for I am a God of mercy and compassion. The valleys through which I call you to go need not frighten you. The shadows and darkness are only for a time. Let your faith grow strong when darkness comes. Faith will overcome where daylight cannot prevail. 

(Hal Helms)

As we walk this journey, may we not forget with whom we journey-- the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).

There is a song on Passion's most recent album sung by Christy Nockels called "Let It Be Jesus." These few lyrics in it have been particularly speaking to me as it goes along with all of this.

Should I ever be abandoned

Should I ever be acclaimed 

Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame 

There's a name I will remember, there's a name I will proclaim

Let it be Jesus

I find this writer Frank to be interesting, particularly this article I just read.

truth or lie

have you ever believed a lie? i used to be particularly gullible, so i tended to believe everything i heard. i am aware of this now and don't believe everything as fact straightaway anymore, but still even if someone tells me a joke that sounds crazy, i usually believe it until i am told the truth. when i believe something that isn't true and then find out the truth later, i think how bizarre it is that i believed something that is clearly not true. but for me, the lie only becomes understood as false once the truth has not only been revealed, but also believed. 

seven months ago, my family started working with a psychologist/ leadership coach through some issues in our family, some since the beginning and some developing over more recent years, and he has been helping us to work through these issues as a family and to develop our selves as individuals.  

it has been a difficult time for me personally because i have come to many realizations that i was never aware of for my whole life. 

one thing that i have been personally dealing with is the belief that i am not worth it. replace "it" with almost any word-- i have always felt underneath everything that i am really not of worth to anyone and that it would have been better if i wasn't born. this naturally led to a generally depressed feeling most of the time and affected my everyday thoughts and attitudes, but i became fairly good at impression management. 

in the course of counseling so far, i have come to this understanding that i have believed this about myself, and if i want to move forward with counseling and bring healing to my life, i can't pretend anymore that i don't believe it. i need to accept this as truth in order to overcome it.

once i came to understand the truth that i was believing a lie for so long, the fact that i actually believed the lie became ludicrous to me. i felt ashamed that even though i knew that i was loved by God (because God loves everyone), i believed the lies of the devil that i ultimately did not matter and that i was only a burden to the people in my life. 

during a recent conversation with the counselor, the realization of this belief came to me so clearly that there was no denying it, and i realized that nothing will change unless i do something. 

when i need to organize my thoughts i write, so i wrote seven pages of very honest truth about my life and what i have always believed about myself from my earliest memories until the present day. i had never been so honest with myself or with anyone else. so there i had it, staring at me in the face. now that i was no longer ignoring reality of what i was believing, i saw clear as daylight that i was believing a lie from the pit of hell. 

once the truth was clear to me, i was able to see the complete lie that i was believing. how insane that i could know the love of God and have such a desire for every person to know his love, yet i was believing none of it to be true for myself. it really doesn't make logical sense, but that is just it-- the devil is the great deceiver, the father of lies (john 8:44). and he disguises himself as an angel of light! (2 corinthians 11:14). the devil is out seeking whom he can devour (1 peter 5:8). he wants to destroy each person in whatever way he can, and there are a plethora of lies that he makes people believe. 

i have come to understand like never before that life is really a battle between the lies of the devil and the truth of God. it's a hard battle. as i started seeking scripture that talks about the battle of life and standing firm against the enemy, it was clear to me how important it is to be aware and to consciously seek truth. ephesians 6:10 says, "put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." truth. righteousness. peace. faith. salvation. the word of God. this is the armor that i must put on daily if i am to stand strong and win the battle. 

in my process of understanding the truth in who i am, i have come to see that for so long i have been seeking human approval and acceptance when God desires that i seek him first. i was seeking human love before God's love, and it always failed me because people are people and are not perfect. for me, the point is this: i don't believe realizing my worth is possible without God, because he in fact is where my worth comes from to begin with. whether a person is born into a family who loves him or her or born and grows up on the streets alone, every person has infinite value simply because God made them and God infinitely loves his creation. it doesn't matter if people say or make me feel like i am worth living or not. in the end it doesn't matter what people think of me. i am worth it because God made me. if every person is made by and matters to God, that includes you, and that includes me. that includes every person. 

so if you feel worthless, remember that others can't give you your value. it comes from a God who made you and loves you as an individual.

as people, i believe that we should love each person the same way that God loves us. but we must first have an understanding of God's love of ourselves in order to be able to love others as he does. and when the battle gets tough and we fail at loving each other, remember that we have a God whose love never fails. 

no matter what your particular battle is, it can be overcome. because greater is he that lives in us than he that lives in the world (1 john 4:4). 

jesus already conquered death and the enemy on the cross. it's already done. with him, i am already victorious. the battle may be long, but i know the truth. and the truth shall set us free (jonn 8:32).

Rwanda-- Week 3 and 4

Update: We spent our third week at the hospital in the maternity unit, and this is by far my favorite unit to be in. Claire says the same for herself as well. It is an exciting unit with something always happening.

Roughly seventy percent of women in Rwanda give birth in health centers in this country (as opposed to in their homes), and there are about four hundred if these facilities nationwide. If a woman is high risk or is experiencing complications, she is transferred to a district hospital, and those are the patients that we see here.

During the week Claire and I observed quite a few births (about three per day). Compared to the US, the equipment here is very limited, but they do their best with what they have, and the nurses’ and midwives’ education is increasing with teachers like Leslie.

Felix is the student midwife who became our designated supervisor for the week, and he is always sure that Claire and I are not only learning, but also practicing what we learn. There are a lot of midwifery students on this unit so it is a good learning environment. We also sat in on some of Leslie’s midwifery lectures which we enjoyed very much. She is a great professor!

In the morning, we spend time with the mothers who are laboring if they are struggling to remain calm, and we make sure to give much attention to mothers who may be ready to deliver a stillborn child.

The labor room is small and full of beds, so it gets hot quickly with many people in this small space, especially with no fans and no breeze through the opened windows. Despite the heat and smell of sweat and urine, it is good to be with these women to massage their backs or give them a drink or hold their hand (or catch them as they are passing out, as I had to do our second day on the unit!), since they are otherwise alone to labor in a room full of other laboring women as families are not allowed to be with them except to bring food and water.

The nurses and midwife on duty continually do rounds to keep check on the fetal heart rate and the progress of the mother. The first day I was having trouble hearing the fetal heartbeat through the fetoscope, but I was very excited the next day when I counted accurately the first time listening to a heartbeat.

When a women is ready to give birth, she goes across the hall to one of the three delivery rooms. It is common here in Rwanda for many complications to occur in childbirth because there is a lack of antenatal care. Because of this we have witnessed a variety of situations. Some things we observed and learned how to do this week are:

d

•      Under what circumstances to put the mother on oxygen during labor
•       When a mother needs an episiotomy (far more episiotomies and C-sections are performed in Rwanda than necessary, so this is a point of needed education here)
•       When a baby needs to be assisted in birth by a vacuum suction
•       How to get a baby to start breathing if it is not doing so immediately after being born
•       How to do a full infant examination after birth
•       How to apply eye cream and give a vitamin K injection to the infant
•       How to deliver a placenta and check that it is all in tact and no pieces have been left in the uterus
•       What medicine the to give the mother to prevent and stop hemorrhaging

Highlight of the week: Doing a lot of hands-on learning in the maternity unit this week, and learning a lot from the students and Leslie.

Leslie took us down the street to the Rwamagana School of Nursing and Midwifery for a tour of the campus. There are about three hundred students, two hundred of which live on the campus. It is a beautiful place, and they even grow their own food in big gardens, and they have cows which the milk to make chai tea and they also sell it.

On our second to last weekend we went to lake Kivu in Gisenyi with Emily, Shami, and Babu. It is so beautiful and relaxing there, and it was nice to be in the fresh air and get out of the city for a day!

Our last weekend, we went to the rainforest at Nyungwe National Park to camp overnight and go hiking. No wonder it was named one of the top twenty places to visit in the world! Breathtakingly beautiful, high up in the mountains, we were completely surrounded by forest for miles and miles. Sounds of birds and chimpanzees echoed in the forest. We were so happy to have experienced this beautiful part of Rwanda.

Challenge of the week: Passing people on the sidewalk! I was laughing about this with Emily and Shami, because people don’t walk on the sidewalks here the same way they drive on the road. People tend to walk in crowds on the sidewalk and don’t move out of the way or make a single file when people are passing in the opposite direction. Even when one or two people are walking towards us, they usually walk down the middle of the sidewalk or even on the correct side, but quickly switch sides before passing. It makes for a very attentive walk anywhere, as you are constantly dodging people at the last step or passing crowds on the road. You’d think it would be simple enough to use the sidewalk the same way you drive, but for some reason that doesn’t work here.

Humor of the week: Claire and I spent our last day in Rwanda in Kigali with Babu, wandering around town exploring and getting things that we wanted to bring home. It had been such a successful trip with no casualties, but of course, on the last day, we lost two important things: Claire and my iPhone. Thankfully, at least we got back the more important one!

At the end of the day, we were taking motorbike taxies from town back to the bus station to go home. Babu told the moto drivers that we would stop at one store along the way, but only my driver and his heard the message, Claire’s did not. So we stopped, and when Claire kept going, my driver said that he told him where to take Claire (our final destination). Well that wasn’t the case, so Claire’s driver began looking for us and finally came back to the store where we stopped, after we had already left. When Babu and I arrived to the bus stop and didn’t see Claire, I slightly panicked but realized that Claire had my bag with my phone in it. Babu called her and although she was in a slight frenzy, Babu calmed her and told her to get a moto and tell him to bring her to the Eco Bank where we were waiting. After some confusion with which bank and six motos all surrounding her, Claire jumped on one and hoped he would bring her to the right one. Babu and I had a great laugh at this now that we knew she was safe. I tried to get out all my laughter before she arrived. That didn’t work. I’m still laughing about it.

We got on the bus, and somehow by the time we got off and walked the rest of the way home, my iPhone was gone. It’s totally gone, and I have no idea how. But that was our only casualty this trip, so I’d say it went pretty well!

Claire and I are so thankful for this experience we had in Rwanda— in Rwamagana at the hospital, in Kigali, at Lake Kivu in Gisenyi, and in the rainforest at Nyungwe National Park. We want to again give a special thank you to all of our friends and family who supported us and made this trip possible. It is a time we will never forget!

I have pictures of our last week at the hospital with Leslie and the students we worked with, but they are on Leslie's camera and I have not obtained them yet!

Shami and Emily keeping it cool at the lake

cloudy day a the lake

the library at Rwamagana School of Nursing and Midwifery

personal cellphone holder for the midwife (Felix here) when sterile or soiled gloves are on during a delivery

Outside the house with Giselle, our new Rwandese sister 

Claire and I on the canopy bridge high above the rainforest!

Emily and Shami enjoying the view from the canopy bridge

Rwanda-- Week 2

Update: We are spending our second week at the hospital in the C-section unit. This unit has twenty-four beds, and it usually stays full, sometimes two women having to share a bed. This week we have been taking vitals as we did in the pediatric unit last week, but we also are taking blood pressure which we could not do last week since they do not have child-sized blood pressure cuffs. We are also learning how to clean the incision wound of the post-op mothers and how to check if it is infected or healing properly. The head nurse is very good at teaching us how the nursing care in this unit works, and one nursing students, Vincent, has been particularly kind in showing us what to do and explaining to us what he doing, whether writing a report, drawing blood, starting and IV, or giving an injection.

Highlights of the week: I’ve learned many Kinyarwanda words now! Well, I know thirty-five words/phrases, which is not enough to really communicate, but I can do such things as greet and thank people and ask the bus man where the bus is going. I began learning when I came in December and since then have been practicing. Babu has been my faithful teacher and Mama, Emily, or Shami help when we are confused with spelling and such (yes, it’s a hard language that even fluent speakers can’t always spell it…). But each new word learned is great excitement for me.

Leslie is also a highlight of the week. She is a midwife from the US who has been here in Rwamagana for a year now, working as part of a team doing a seven year program to bring better education and care for the mothers and babies of Rwanda. She has taught us a lot about the conditions of the medical care in Rwanda and how she is working to improve them.

Challenges of the week: Getting on the bus. Yes, just the act of getting on it! Local buses which remain in the same city or town are no problem. However, buses that go from city to city are another story. For the weekend, Claire and I took a bus from Rwamagana to Kigali, and the problem is that the bus companies sell more tickets than seats. I did not realize this, nor that the seating is not a first come, first serve. It’s a crowd of people literally pushing and shoving each other over in order to get into the bus. I’ve never intentionally pushed a stranger out of my way before, and at first I was conflicted. As I saw Claire disappear onto the bus, I knew I had to push as hard as I could or I wasn’t getting on. I don’t know why they do it this way, but they do, and it only took me one time to learn how it’s done. I’m now becoming an expert at stranger-shoving at the bus stations, while being conscious of my backpack due to the fact that bus stations are the prime location for pick-pocketing.

My watch. In order to hold the stethoscope with my right hand and look at my watch at the same time, I have to wear my watch on my left hand. Even though I’m right handed, I’m a weirdo and have always worn my watch on my right hand. A minor change, but I am not quickly becoming used to it.

Our water bottles reek! Something in the water here in Rwamagana makes them smell so badly that I have to hold my breath while I drink, and this is with washing it with bleach regularly. At least we’re not getting sick from whatever it is that is making them smell so badly.

Humor of the week: this is actually something that happened last week, but it is a story that we are still laughing about. The first day of work it was pouring rain, but we had no choice other than to walk, so out in the rain we went. Not five minutes later, we heard someone running up behind us but we attempted to ignore him. He came up to the left of Claire and it seemed as though he was grabbing for her bag. Claire jumped towards me and shouted very sternly at him. He stepped back quickly and began explaining to us something in Kinyarwanda and he was pointing towards the house. We smiled and told him that we are fine to walk in the rain and that we are just going down the road to the hospital. All three of us were confused but Claire and I assumed that he was offering us a bike taxi or an umbrella or raincoat and went on walking.

Later on that day when the house boy let us in, it was he who was the one chasing us that morning! Our host mother, Odette, had sent him after us to let us know that she could give us a ride.

Odette owns a restaurant in town and she took us there for lunch that day. We were walking from there to the house before going back to the hospital, and on our way we noticed someone chasing us down again. This person knew English and told us that we have gone too far and pointed to the road we had just passed. He was a server at the restaurant and told us that Odette had seen us walking the wrong way and sent him to redirect us. These poor people chasing us around, being so kind and caring for our wellbeing!

Last Friday after morning rounds, one of the med students told us we were going to a “nursing ceremony” and that Claire and I were to come… we tried to inquire what this ceremony was about, but we didn’t get any clear answers. So we walked for about thirty minutes to the health center, which we found full of doctors, nurses, and midwives. We saw Leslie there, and she told us this was a gathering to celebrate nurses and midwives, and to talk about the history and future of their roles in Rwanda. We sat through speech after speech (all in Kinyarwanda) which were each separated by a few minutes of traditional Rwandan dancing. They had told us the ceremony wouldn’t last long… the room was hot and crowded, and we had not a clue of anything being said. About three hours later it was finally finished, and we got to walk all the way home in the mid-day heat. At the time it was not comical, but looking back now it’s quite funny!

     Our walk to the hospital from the house. The buildings ahead on both sides of the road are bilingual schools, and the children like to shout greetings to us each time we pass

 The center courtyard of the hospital. the wards surround this area in a circular configuration 

The bright sun shining into the pediatric ward. I am in the back half of the ward, looking into the first half, with the nurses office behind the yellow walls on either side

 The medical students we worked with during the first week. From left to right: Francis, Everest, Claire, Leonet, myself, and Franc. We learned so much from these students and enjoyed working alongside them

 

 Operation Laundry

Once a week we are becoming better and better at hand washing our clothes.

The picture on the bottom right is of Claire pretending to have to beat her white uniform "clean" against the dirty rocks... it was a joke with a friend before we left that we would have no way to clean our clothes properly so our white scrubs would be brown when we returned