Reflections of "The Suicide Tourist"

In my Nursing Capstone class, we are currently talking about ethics in healthcare. We watched a documentary called The Suicide Tourist, and these are my reflections written as a class assignment. I would love to hear your thoughts if you have seen this film or have had similar experiences.

Three main thoughts I brought away from this film:

1.   To live is to be a part of beauty and tragedy, of happiness and sadness.  I believe that the only one who can give hope to anyone in any circumstance is God. To be a nurse and to so often care for people as they are born, as they journey through some of the hardest times in their lives, and as they die is of highest privilege, but it is also to be a part of such happiness and sadness all the time. I believe to lose a loved one is one of the greatest pains a human can feel, and to be the one dying, well, I cannot speak from experience, but I would imagine that without hope in God it could be sad or depressing or scary. To see a loved one dying or to be the one dying with a sense of hope and greater purpose than just this life on earth can bring a sense of peace and hope that goes deeper than human understanding. It was a very good experience to watch the videos about the two men with ALS. The videos showed the difference in the way they lived with their disease. To see the positivity of the man with ALS was a reminder for me as one who will care for the sick to intend to bring a sense of hope to everyone I care for.

2.   Knowing what is right and wrong in any situation dealing with death is so tricky- it is so complex and so not easy. I want to have the opinion that as humans we have autonomy over ourselves—that is if one doesn’t believe that God should be the only one who gives life and takes life (and I can’t force someone to believe that)—but then if someone with ALS who is suffering has an estimated some months or a year to live and wants to kill him or herself, why is it not okay for a teenager who is depressed and suicidal for him or her to commit suicide? Who determines what kind of suffering makes it acceptable to kill oneself? And we are all going to die one day- and no one, not even someone with ALS or cancer or any terminal disease, knows exactly when they will die. Who determines that it is okay to kill oneself if he/she only has a certain estimated time to live? It all gets so fuzzy, and although I want everyone to have the hope that I have and the belief that God is the only one who gives and takes life, and that every day he gives us on this earth is for a purpose and to be used to honor him- I cannot make anyone believe that, and that is when I have to let them have for themselves the autonomy over their own life. But if I claim that, then I am saying that I believe I must let anyone take their own life should they choose to; this is hard to swallow, but I don’t see another way that makes sense.

3.   To lose a loved one is sad, even for someone who has hope. Even to see someone else, with whom I may have no relation- such as the family in the first ASL documentary that we watched, is sad. I think that everyone who experiences loss or sees someone else experiencing it know that this is true. It is hard to watch people suffer and it is hard to watch them die, but we must not shy away from these hard things. It is good to cry, to be sad, to search for answers and to be challenged. We can find deeper meaning in life and become more whole people through these experiences. God made life and death the way he did for reasons not known to me, and he doesn’t make anything bad or make mistakes. Maybe the sadness and loss we feel can bring us closer to him. I know that that has happened to me. I believe to be a truly good nurse and to be able to offer holistic care, we must see and know and experiences all of these aspects of life, embracing all of the happiness and sadness and everything in between, being grounded in a faith that goes deeper than circumstances.

happy 2016 to all

(note: i wrote this blog as this semester was just beginning, before anything actually began.. but then i hit the ground running with classes and clinicals and more work hours, so i never got around to editing and posting until now!)
 
i did have the most simultaneously relaxing but busy and FUN holiday season. i traveled to rwanda for christmas and then to honduras and nicaragua for the new year. i was able to see almost all of my family during this time (everyone except for my west coast brother, jon!), and as well i spent time with kennet and some of my dear latin america friends. 
 
as i took time to relax and enjoy the time as well as reflect on the past semester and prepare for the (last!) upcoming one, one theme was consistent throughout- God's grace is sufficient. that is it, no and's if's or but's. He was faithful from the beginning, and He is faithful every step until the end, because that is who He is. De is faithful and His grace is sufficient. 
 
i want to share a few reflections from my last semester.. it was by far my best semester not only educationally, but for me in my personal growth. there were a few "firsts" that i experienced which i could have allowed affect me negatively, but instead i saw God's grace in my life through them. I more consciously desired to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, that all these things shall be added unto me (matt. 6:33).
 
-first, i locked my keys in my car while about to leave for my first day of clinical! and let's just say that getting late to clinical is a big no no.. i was house-sitting, thus i didn't have my spare set of keys, so it was an instant panic. i was calling people to no avail at 5:45 in the morning. thankfully the homeowners had an extra car, and in the end after a frantic search i found their keys.
spare set of keys permanently live in my backpack now.
 
-second, when i was house-sitting again, i arrived late at night and forgot to fill my gas tank on the way. i have never run out of gas before, so i always assume i have enough fuel to get to the gas station. well, the early clinical morning rolls around once again and i go out to start my car to no avail. an orange light comes on: "please refuel." in disbelief and frantic again, i have no time to wait for AAA to come and save me. i cannot find the keys to the homeowners car anywhere, but then i notice gas tanks in the basement! i grab one and run to the car, and not so gracefully manage to put a few gallons in. Sweating and reeking of gas that i spilled all over my hands, i am off to clinical again.
i always find a gas station now, no matter the hour of the night.
 
-third, i slept past my alarm on a friday clinical, and woke at the moment that i needed to leave. i threw on scrubs and went out the door, and the frequently stopping school busses  on my way were the only reason i was five minutes late. 
alarm now always set with plenty of time to hit snooze.
 
-fourth, one evening during finals week, i spent all day in the library. i went for a quick dinner with my friend, leaving all of my things in the study room, and when we returned, the library was locked and dark. my heart sank as i got my cell out to call security. after all these years how do i miss the closing time?! security came to unlock and allow me to get all my things.
 
-fifth, one night when i was going to house-sit, it was late and i was tired. i stopped at a red light, looked both ways. no cars on either side. i had a momentary lapse in remembering where i was, and i pulled a honduran move and used that red light as a stop sign. i proceeded through the intersection and at the very moment when i realized what i had done and that there was no going back, i saw a police car. i have had my license for seven and half years and i've never been pulled over!! sooo frustrating. this police was nice enough to only give me a warning. 
my police radar is now on point. 
 
-sixth, i had to sleep at home alone once, and in this big house of my brother's where i live, it's not really fun to be home alone. i was feeling particularly afraid this night, having been talking about recent burglaries and sexual assaults with my special agent police brother. when i finally managed to fall asleep, a deafening alarm woke me. i was sure it was the burglar alarm and i couldn't move. i called my brother and praise God he answered his phone at three in the morning. he gave me the alarm code and told me to down stairs and turn it off. i had no other option. shaking, i ran down. turns out it was a malfunction of the fire alarm.
 
- seventh, i trained for and ran a sub two hour half marathon with my brother during this crazy semester!
this was the one good crazy thing that happened; it kept us in shape and kept me sane on many days.
 
all of these things (except the half marathon) happened to me for the first time this semester. these are supposed to be newbie mistakes, right?! and although on many days i thought am i losing my mind?!, i had more peace and more smiles on my face throughout each day then i ever have had before. i experienced the truth written in the scripture of 2 corinthians 12:9 more than i have before. He said to me: 'my grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in weakness.' therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
 
the difference was that yes, although i had little moments of panic and fear and worry and other such things that come when i lose focus, i ultimately sought to trust God more deeply and saw His grace in my life each step of the way. furthermore, instead of focusing on people's opinions of me and trying to please certain people, i spent time with people who spoke life to me and encouraged me in my faith, and in turn i was able to encourage other people. 
when life comes at us with things that strike fear, big or small, we have the choice to live in that fear, or to believe in the God who is in control over all. if we trust that He is using whatever situation we find ourselves in to bring glory to Himself and bring us closer to Him, we will see His faithfulness and have His peace, one not from the world or earthly comforts, but one that can only come from Him (phil. 4:7). 
 
these examples i gave are in fact little things in the grand story of life and quite comical in retrospect, but the point is this: in such a broken world filled with sin, everyone is living through life that is hard in some way at some time.do we have a hope greater than ourselves and circumstances to carry us through?
in whatever place you are right now, physically, mentally, spiritually, in any sense of the word "place"- i want to encourage you in the way that i have been encouraged: to see a grace and a hope that going even deeper than anything life can bring you. 
Remember, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (phil. 1:6).