The title of this blog is the motto of a dear friend of mine who I've know my whole life but we haven't always kept in touch... We recently reconnected and she has become a friend who I can tell anything to and I will receive zero judgement and complete understanding. Everyone needs one of those kind of lifelong friends!
30 days into 2018! 1/12 of the way through the year! How are you resolutions going? What are your resolutions?
I have to be honest and say that I haven't set resolutions this year, and I don't know when's the last time I did. I do know that whenever it was, I definitely didn't complete them.
30 days into 2018! 1/12 of the way through the year! How are you resolutions going? What are your resolutions?
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| Nicaragua, January 2018 |
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| Kennet's first time horseback riding! My favorite pastime of all we finally did together! At Morgan's Rock in Nicaragua with friends + family |
I have to be honest and say that I haven't set resolutions this year, and I don't know when's the last time I did. I do know that whenever it was, I definitely didn't complete them.
Starting in the end of October right before my 26th birthday, I began the Master Heart Course by Christa Black Gifford (see the end of my second-to-last post). I didn't even make it through the first week out of the six and I decided to.. let's say, "postpone" it until New Years.. or... sometime. That was my way of putting it off indefinitely until the "right" time or a "better" time. I didn't want to face everything in my heart. It was (is) easier to keep the door shut and locked and keep pretending my way through life.
Well, the New Year came and went and Kennet and I had a great time during the holidays with both of our families. I spent some time in Sanibel, Florida at my family's home, then we spent Christmas and New Years with Kennet's family in Honduras and then we traveled to Nicaragua to see friends and my family again for my mom's 60th birthday. It was a great time. On the surface. Story of my life.
The story of my life has been a struggle to know my inherent value, to love myself, to live with happiness (see my posts from July and November 2014). It has been deep valleys, but no doubt with some small mountain tops along the way. Mountain tops such as working as a fundraiser for children's medical care in Honduras, graduating with my BSN (nursing) degree, getting married (not just to anyone but to someone who is fun and loves people and knows what commitment and unconditional love mean), helping start a birthing center in Guatemala, getting accepted into graduate school... all of these external things. They have all been more or less based on my my achievements, coming out of eighteen years of not believing I'd amount to anything or was worth anyone's time.
I have been fortunate to be surrounded by many strong people of God who have spent time with me, talked with me, prayed over me; these people have helped sustain me throughout my life. But I have always struggled with happiness. Hence why three months after getting married I was so happy to begin this course that I thought would so easily fix me. I shut that door very quickly when I learned that "easily" wasn't part of it. I quickly saw this course wasn't like any other retreat or conference I've attended in the past (though I've attended some great ones which have had lasting impact in my life). And it dawned on me, life isn't about quick fixes, ever. It's about being faithful throughout the journey. Anything worthwhile is going to take hard work.
Now I'm approaching six months of being married (what!), and I'm feeling tired of making life not fun for not only me, but for both of us. I'm tired of my mood and my words and my actions being based on whatever is determining my mood in a given moment. I want my thoughts to shape my reality, not my reality to shape my thoughts. I want to be in control. I know that the Bible is full of writings about being content in all circumstances, taking control of ourselves, knowing our inherent invaluable value having been created in the image of God, rejoicing always, but I've never been able to get anything from the Bible from my head to my heart. Not in any real way.
Over this past month of really procrastinating with taking control of myself and starting this course, literally every book, Instagram post, blog, vlog (I love them-- I am currently following the vlog of Nabeel and Michelle Qureshi on YouTube), song, sermon... everything I've read or listened to has been pointing me towards the fact that I have to put in the effort [Passion City Church's Nov 5, 2017 sermon is one of the best I've heard on this topic]... I have to make a conscious decision and take the action to accomplish what God desires to do in my life. This is a daily happening. As Levi Lusko says, "victory in your life doesn't come through one thing and now you're undefeated, it's small things continuously repeated."
Shortly after we got married on a particularly down day, I told Kennet, "I just want someone to give me permission to be happy." He told me, "I give you permission!"
In Braving the Wilderness, the book my sisters and I are reading right now in our book club, Brené Brown says, "I sat on the edge of my bed and fought back tears. I started thinking, I need a permission slip. I need a permission slip to stop being so serious and afraid. I need to give myself permission to have fun today. That got the idea started....I wrote myself a permission slip on a post-it note from my computer bag. It simply said, 'permission to be excited and goofy, and to have fun.' It would be the first of hundreds of permission slips I would go on to write for myself. I still write them today. And I teach everyone who will give me five minutes of their time the power of this intention-setting method.... Set the intention, follow through."
Recently my friend texted me, "Satan's greatest victory would be stealing the beauty that your life is shining forth in this season! It is magnificent, full of adventure, beauty, newness, and hope!! Yes revel and enjoy today!!! Because today is so very good!!!..."
So when's the "right" time to start taking control, to set your resolutions? To not let Satan have the victory for another moment? Now. Whenever now is. Don't wait for the stars to align in a certain way or for a certain date.
I am starting to put in my side of the deal, and yes, it seems daunting. Overwhelming. But when I think of my life over the past 26 years and what I want for the next 26+ years (or just this present moment since I don't know what is past this moment), putting in the work totally seems worth it. Especially when there is more than enough grace for each thought, decision, and act. Remember, more than enough grace and forgiveness for every mistake that I will make every day. This year I want to begin establishing myself as a happy person because that is who I am. Not because of something external.
For people who don't struggle with depression, low-self esteem/ self-worth, constantly feeling overwhelmed by the sadness and insanity of humanity, this post might not make sense. But I hope to encourage those of you who do understand me and can relate. I hope that you can join me in choosing to put negative thoughts away and choosing to be happy. If for no other reason than you deserve to be happy and I deserve to be happy. It's how we were intended to live. And if you are already on that journey, I'm glad to be joining you!
The story of my life has been a struggle to know my inherent value, to love myself, to live with happiness (see my posts from July and November 2014). It has been deep valleys, but no doubt with some small mountain tops along the way. Mountain tops such as working as a fundraiser for children's medical care in Honduras, graduating with my BSN (nursing) degree, getting married (not just to anyone but to someone who is fun and loves people and knows what commitment and unconditional love mean), helping start a birthing center in Guatemala, getting accepted into graduate school... all of these external things. They have all been more or less based on my my achievements, coming out of eighteen years of not believing I'd amount to anything or was worth anyone's time.
I have been fortunate to be surrounded by many strong people of God who have spent time with me, talked with me, prayed over me; these people have helped sustain me throughout my life. But I have always struggled with happiness. Hence why three months after getting married I was so happy to begin this course that I thought would so easily fix me. I shut that door very quickly when I learned that "easily" wasn't part of it. I quickly saw this course wasn't like any other retreat or conference I've attended in the past (though I've attended some great ones which have had lasting impact in my life). And it dawned on me, life isn't about quick fixes, ever. It's about being faithful throughout the journey. Anything worthwhile is going to take hard work.
Now I'm approaching six months of being married (what!), and I'm feeling tired of making life not fun for not only me, but for both of us. I'm tired of my mood and my words and my actions being based on whatever is determining my mood in a given moment. I want my thoughts to shape my reality, not my reality to shape my thoughts. I want to be in control. I know that the Bible is full of writings about being content in all circumstances, taking control of ourselves, knowing our inherent invaluable value having been created in the image of God, rejoicing always, but I've never been able to get anything from the Bible from my head to my heart. Not in any real way.
Over this past month of really procrastinating with taking control of myself and starting this course, literally every book, Instagram post, blog, vlog (I love them-- I am currently following the vlog of Nabeel and Michelle Qureshi on YouTube), song, sermon... everything I've read or listened to has been pointing me towards the fact that I have to put in the effort [Passion City Church's Nov 5, 2017 sermon is one of the best I've heard on this topic]... I have to make a conscious decision and take the action to accomplish what God desires to do in my life. This is a daily happening. As Levi Lusko says, "victory in your life doesn't come through one thing and now you're undefeated, it's small things continuously repeated."
Shortly after we got married on a particularly down day, I told Kennet, "I just want someone to give me permission to be happy." He told me, "I give you permission!"
In Braving the Wilderness, the book my sisters and I are reading right now in our book club, Brené Brown says, "I sat on the edge of my bed and fought back tears. I started thinking, I need a permission slip. I need a permission slip to stop being so serious and afraid. I need to give myself permission to have fun today. That got the idea started....I wrote myself a permission slip on a post-it note from my computer bag. It simply said, 'permission to be excited and goofy, and to have fun.' It would be the first of hundreds of permission slips I would go on to write for myself. I still write them today. And I teach everyone who will give me five minutes of their time the power of this intention-setting method.... Set the intention, follow through."
Recently my friend texted me, "Satan's greatest victory would be stealing the beauty that your life is shining forth in this season! It is magnificent, full of adventure, beauty, newness, and hope!! Yes revel and enjoy today!!! Because today is so very good!!!..."
So when's the "right" time to start taking control, to set your resolutions? To not let Satan have the victory for another moment? Now. Whenever now is. Don't wait for the stars to align in a certain way or for a certain date.
I am starting to put in my side of the deal, and yes, it seems daunting. Overwhelming. But when I think of my life over the past 26 years and what I want for the next 26+ years (or just this present moment since I don't know what is past this moment), putting in the work totally seems worth it. Especially when there is more than enough grace for each thought, decision, and act. Remember, more than enough grace and forgiveness for every mistake that I will make every day. This year I want to begin establishing myself as a happy person because that is who I am. Not because of something external.
For people who don't struggle with depression, low-self esteem/ self-worth, constantly feeling overwhelmed by the sadness and insanity of humanity, this post might not make sense. But I hope to encourage those of you who do understand me and can relate. I hope that you can join me in choosing to put negative thoughts away and choosing to be happy. If for no other reason than you deserve to be happy and I deserve to be happy. It's how we were intended to live. And if you are already on that journey, I'm glad to be joining you!
If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Maya Angelou
I saw the face of God in me. If you look in the mirror and have any condemning thought, you don’t know what you’re looking at, because I’m made in the beauty and likeness of the Trinity and so are you.
Christa Black Gifford
I saw the face of God in me. If you look in the mirror and have any condemning thought, you don’t know what you’re looking at, because I’m made in the beauty and likeness of the Trinity and so are you.
Christa Black Gifford
