Sunday, May 16, 2021

Kian's Birth: Photo Edition

Warning: some pictures display sensitive content.  

My constant support!

My favorite labor position 

Lavender

The big gush 

Ice

Resting with Stadol 


My 2nd favorite labor position

Getting close to the end

Getting closer to the end, beyond exhausted

Doubting that the end will ever come

Feeling like my body is being ripped apart 


Yelling out with all my strength, it helped me find the physical strength to push 

The moment I've been waiting for is almost here

Some feelings cannot be expressed with words

                    Beyond relieved 


Relieved and grateful 

The moment we've been waiting for


In awe





Dad and the midwife (Jess) cutting the cord 


Thank you, placenta, for all you've done for 36 weeks to grow and nourish my baby 

Papi (Dad) hold Kian for the first time


The postpartum journey begins

8 pounds, 20.5 inches tall!

A strong heart 


A very good breastfeeder from the start!

My family

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Kian's Birth

On Tuesday afternoon, April 13, I was 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I started having several strong contractions, very spaced out. I was glad because although I had had some Braxton-Hicks during the early third trimester, I had them less and less until I wasn't having them at all by 36 weeks. I continued having the contractions all afternoon and through the night, waking up about every hour with the discomfort. 

The next day, April 14, it continued, and I struggled to get comfortable. That night, I tried sleeping in the recliner chair. The contractions continued to wake me up throughout the night, so I called the clinic. Since I did my prenatal care in Wilkes-Barre, they automatically transferred me to the on-call provider at that hospital. I forgot to tell them to connect me to the Scranton hospital (where the midwives are) which is where I planned to give birth. The OB at the Wilkes-Barre hospital asked "what's going on?" and I explained my situation. He replied, "with first-time moms, we like to try to wait until at least 39 or 40 weeks. Try drinking plenty of water and taking 1000 mg of Tylenol, and try to find a comfortable place to rest. If the contractions get stronger and closer together then call us back." I found him to be rather dismissive of what I was feeling. At the same time, many people going through this for the first time think that they are in labor when in fact their early labor is just very drawn out. 

Continuing to wake up with the contractions throughout the early morning of April 15, I called the Scranton hospital this time, and the midwife asked me several questions to gauge how I was doing. She told me I could come in a be checked if that would be make me feel better, and that I could go home if it wasn't active labor yet. I decided to try to wait and see if the contractions would start getting closer together. They didn't, but they were becoming so strong, and I soon vomited all the water I had been drinking. Around 04:00, I called the midwife again and told her I wanted to come in to be checked. I was getting desperate because I couldn't rest anymore and I wanted to know if I was making progress. Around 05:00 we arrived to the triage and when the midwife checked me, I was already 5cm and 100% effaced! (Meaning my cervix was half was to being completely dilated, and it had already thinned out completely). I was very relieved that I was to be admitted and that the baby would be born this day. I was 38 weeks and 4 days, and I had thought all along that I would surely go past my due date, per the usual for my family. 

The hospital unit was beautiful, and I felt very fortunate to be there. The nurses and midwives were very kind and attentive. I told them I wanted to to have the baby without an epidural. They were very supportive of me and helped me with position changes to help the labor progress and help me find the most comfortable positions. Nothing was comfortable, but I found that standing, leaning over the side of the bed was most tolerable and helped my back hurt the least. I also used the TENS unit (per the recommendation of my doula/photographer) on my lower back which helped, but I couldn't use this while the fetal monitor was on. When my legs tired too much, I laid in bed with the peanut ball between my legs. For some reason, I did not like sitting on the yoga ball as I felt like it put too much pressure on the perineal area. 

At some point in the morning my water broke with a large gush, soaking through my clothes. I was glad to see clear fluid. 

When several hours had passed and I only progressed 1cm, I began to feel discouraged. I hadn't slept well for the past 2 nights and I was worried my energy would run out before I the labor was over. They offered me the nitrous oxide to help me cope, but I was so uncomfortable in the bed and the mask or the gas had a scent that I did not like. After only about 2 contractions I didn't want that anymore, though now I wish I had tried to use it longer. They then gave me a dose of Stadol. That put me out and allowed me to rest though contractions for a while. 

Throughout most of the active labor, I was frequently nauseous and vomited a lot. They gave some smelling oils which helped (lavender, peppermint, eucalyptus), and I also got one dose of Zofran. 

As the hours passed, I kept feeling like I needed to push, but with each cervical check I was getting more discouraged that I was only progressing by 1cm... so much time and pain only to be at 7cm... hours later, 8. 

The rest with the Stadol gave me a bit of energy and I was up again, on my knees leaning over the head of the bed. I had to be leaning forward with pressure on my lower back to relieve the pain. The whole time, Kennet was there to offer this support and give me ice chips for my parched mouth.  

At 14:10, 9 hours after arriving to the hospital, I was finally completely dilated, but the baby hadn't moved down much in my pelvis. He was at -1 when I arrived, and had only moved down to 0 by the time I was completely dilated. I pushed for an excruciating 2 and half hours. I tried several positions, including leaning over the head of the bed, squatting in the bed leaning over a support bar, and finally laying back when I didn't have the energy to hold myself up anymore. My contractions never got very close together, so I had long breaks in between pushes, but by the end waiting for the next contraction felt like an eternity. His head came out ever so slowly and I felt as though my body was tearing apart. I do remember asking the midwife if she could just pull him out, which is funny looking back now. In that moment I wanted anything to be done to relieve the pain; it felt like this would never end. 


He was finally born at 16:42, April 15, 2021, at 8 perfect pounds (the exact weight that I was at my birth!). Kian Demesio Silva Haas. The relief and gratitude I felt the moment he was out and laid on my abdomen is something can only be understood by experience. He cried immediately and had beautiful Apgars of 9 and 9! I could not contain my tears of relief and gratefulness to be holding him in my arms


We waited until his placenta was birthed to cut the cord. 


I am very thankful that he had no problems latching to the breast and has been a good eater from day 1! 





My postpartum care was excellent. We stayed 48 hours, and I was so grateful for the continued supply of perineal ice packs, clean pads, and ibuprofen and Colace around the clock. The nurses, midwives, pediatrician, and lactation consultant were very attentive. The nurses helped Kennet change the baby's diaper throughout the day and night. I was so grateful the support, the electric bed, and the meals delivered to us. 

Kennet was a constant support during the entire experience. I love to hear him recount the birth from his perspective; all of this was a first-time experience for him and he has been loving being a dad since the moment Kian was born, and even before while he was still growing inside of me. 

During this time, I began thinking of all the people who birth around the world every day in less-than-ideal circumstances. I thought of those who didn't plan or want to become pregnant, the young girls and teens I cared for in Guatemala. Those who birth alone at home, with no running water or electricity. They don't have medical care, much less any form of treatment for the pain of labor and the recovery. No ice packs, no ibuprofen, no disposable pads, no nipple cream or breastfeeding support, no warm showers, no comfortable nursing bras, no education or provision of contraception postpartum. I had so much discomfort, and am still recovering, almost 2 weeks later. How do people manage without all of theses extra supports that I had? I also thought of all the people who long to have the experience of birthing their own baby but have never been granted this privilege.
I can definitely say that going through this experience has informed me very much and will help me better care for my own patients. 

Friday, February 26, 2021

Update 2021

Every time I go to write a new blog post, I cannot believe how much time has passed by since my last post. During the last 9 months, a lot  has happened! 

-In mid-August 2020, I found out I was pregnant. In early December, we found out that we are having a boy. I was very excited by this news! 

-At the end of December, I graduated with my master's degree as a CNM-- certified nurse-midwife. I finished my clinical time on Jan 6th, and on Feb 6th, I passed the AMCB board exam! I was very thankful and very relieved!
Pictured here at 29 weeks with the paper stating I had passed the exam (right) and when my diploma came (left, around 31 weeks). 

-Next came the time of waiting for the licensure to process, and in the meantime, searching for employment. Filling out all the forms, paying all the fees, updating the CV, cover letters, phone interviews, video interviews...etc, etc. The lapse between graduation/passing the board exam and waiting for licensure to be completed and finding a job feels long. Because I am not currently working as an RN, I have all this free time so I am trying to take advantage of continuing learning with taking classes such as OBGYN ultrasound and participating in various webinars on topics of women's health. I know that soon I will be busy with a new baby and a job, so I am trying to enjoy the time of sleep, ample time for exercise and yoga, and wandering the groceries store aisles looking for new recipe ideas (I am not naturally a good cook so this is good for me!) 

-My last semester of grad school (Sept 3, 2020 to Jan 6, 20201) was difficult as I was very fatigued and nauseous until about week 14/15 of the the pregnancy. I would often have to go to the bathroom to vomit while caring for a patient in labor, or in between seeing patients in the office. It was so difficult to find food/drink that I could tolerate, and I felt so dehydrated all the time because I could not keep water down. The typical textbook recommendations for first-line treatments for nausea and vomiting did not seem to work for me, so every day it was trial and error and trying to eat/drink what I could tolerate, even if that was just ice cubes and diet Coke. 
I never did end up getting prescription medication, but if I ever had a second a pregnancy, I would consider it early on to avoid going through this again.  
However, before going straight to prescription antiemetics, there is an option that works for most people. To avoid nausea and vomiting before it starts, I do highly recommend taking vitamin B6 (10-25 mg up to 3x daily) along with 1/2 tab or 1 tab (12.5/ 25 mg) of Unisom before bed. This is sold as a prescription called Diclegis, but these can easily be bought over-the-counter as separate supplements. These have to be taken daily in order to the prevent the nausea/vomiting. I started taking this around week 6/7, and if I forgot to take it one day, I noticed a huge difference. Next time I know to start taking them right away, before the nausea sets in. By week 16 I didn't need it anymore. 

-Other than some musculoskeletal discomforts, I haven't had any major issues during my second trimester. I am now almost 32 weeks, so we will see how these last 2 months go! 
Since week 29, I have had pain in my symphysis pubis. This has been causing my quite a bit of discomfort with certain movements, even rolling from side to side when in bed, and when I go for walks for extended periods of time. Sadly it is too painful that I cannot jog/run at all. Thankfully, I can still do many exercises with no discomfort. 

-When it was time for the glucose tolerance test around 27 weeks to screen gestational diabetes, I had a high result of 171. For reference, this number should be below 130 ideally, some guidelines use 140. While many people do not pass the first screen, most people pass the second (diagnostic) screen. Still, this high result motivated me to begin exercising every day, and for the past ~5 weeks I seldom have missed a day, even if it's an easy day of prenatal yoga. Below are the links to the routines that I have enjoyed. Although I enjoyed working out daily before becoming pregnant, after I was over the extreme fatigue and sickness of the first trimester, I never reincorporated regular exercise other than occasional walks or hikes. 
Do you have a favorite indoor workout (for when the weather is freezing/icy/terrible) for pregnancy, postpartum or otherwise?

- THIS is my favorite prenatal YouTube channel
- THIS is my favorite prenatal/postpartum routine
- THIS is my favorite overall quick & effective workout, but may need modification during the 3rd trimester. 
- THIS is a fun stretch! 
- THIS is for a calmer, easier day (and to work on flexibility) 
- THIS routine has helped with symphysis pubis pain

I had also gotten used to eating anything I could tolerate, not focusing on nutrient-dense foods. Thus, after my initial glucose screen, I began monitoring my blood sugar levels daily (for 1 week to diagnose/rule out gestational diabetes) then every morning I continue to check my fasting glucose level out of my own curiosity. 
These became my favorite protein-dense snacks/meals. Do you have any favorite protein recipes?

-Sugar-free beef/turkey jerky 
-Turkey & cheese rolls 
-Greek yogurt (with low-sugar granola)
-Tuna (skipjack or other low-mercury type!) 
-Eggs (in every form!) 
-Peanut (or any nut) butter with celery/apples 
-Almonds, pistachios, pumpkin seeds
-Roasted chickpeas/ hummus
-Cottage cheese
-Chia seed pudding (chia seeds mixed with almond milk and a bit of stevia, refrigerated overnight) 
-Avocado & chicken 
-Oatmeal 
-Peanut butter balls (favorite recipe here)





















Until next time, when I will likely have a baby in my arms and hopefully employment as a CNM! 

Friday, June 19, 2020

Update

The first draft of this post was written last month- I never posted it, so here it is with a current update at the end. 

Here we are in May 2020. When I checked the date of my last post, I was so surprised to see that I haven't posted in over a year! Wow. I am going to update by bullet points, probably because grad school has taught me to appreciate making and reading bullet points far better than reading essays and the like. 

-Kennet's US visa got approved in late October 2019 and he joined me here in Pennsylvania. We are still waiting for his permanent green card to arrive in the mail, which will allow him to be able to travel across US borders again. 

-Since moving back to Pa., we lived with my eldest sister Sarah for several months here in Bear Creek Village where we grew up, and since mid-January Kennet and I are living in a house that we are renting from a family member just down the road from Sarah's and my parents' house.  

-We are here in Pa. because this is the state that I am licensed in as a nurse, and I got a clinical placement at a hospital as student nurse-midwife here. I have been in clinical (women's health office-based care) since September 2019 until March 2020, when all clinicals came to halt for students due to the pandemic of COVID-19. My hospital system will not take students back until September 2020, so I will resume again then, doing office-based care as well as labor, birth, and postpartum. Sill planning to graduate December 2020!

-Other than needing to finish my clinical hours at the hospital, I am now registered for my FINAL class of midwifery school and will complete it the first week of August. 

-I also have to complete the "birth skills" classes during the rest of this month and next month, which are now virtual since the universities are closed. I now have my own pelvic model with a perineum, a baby, and a suture set. 

-I'm looking into nursing jobs where I can work as an RN for the summer. I know that with the pandemic there is more of a need, but it may be difficult to find an employer who wants someone without acute care experience for short-term. Since my clinical hours will be intensive from September to December, I will not be able to keep a full-time or part-time job after August. 

-I miss Honduras a lot, I miss the happiness of Kennet's family, I miss my doggy Max (with our family in Honduras), I miss the warm weather year-round. However, since being in Pa., we have been extremely fortunate to have some family close by who have given us friendship and who have been generous to us.  

This is baby Max, Aug 2018
This is Max now, 2019


-Kennet got a job with TransPerfect, working from home from 13:00 (1pm) to 23:30 (11:30pm) 4 days per week. 

-With all the ups and downs, I have been trying to help myself grow healthier as a person.
I am grateful to (finally) be taking an SSRI which is helping me have more energy and feel more stable mentally. Since everyone has been mostly home due to the pandemic, several of my sisters and I have started FaceTiming every morning, and that has been a true gift to me. It has brought me so much happiness. I am one to feel lonely very easily, much to my surprise even with a spouse. Trying to get to the root of some of my issues such as loneliness, jealousy, and depression are topics that take up much of my thoughts these days. 

-Audible and Kindle have been a great way for me to read either at night, now that Kennet works late, and during my weeks between semesters. For our book club, my sisters and I are currently reading/listening to The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut, PhD. 

-Having time to exercise nearly every day has also been a gift, especially with the increasingly warm weather now that springtime is here. 

-As I look forward to the rest of 2020, I am excited while trying to not have anxiety. As aforementioned, there have been many ups and downs for me personally and for our marriage. We are approaching 3 years since our wedding, and we've lived in 3 different countries thus far. 
I am hoping to stay on plan and graduate, study for my board exam so I can look for employment in early 2021, and we are thinking about adding family member(s), whether that be a human, a dog, or both! 

Update

So the day after I wrote the first post (5/6), Kennet brought me home a pug (5/7) to my complete surprise. Many of you know I've been a pug-lover since childhood, when I first fell in love with my cousin Tommy's black pug named Spaz. My mom didn't want a shedding dog, so she got me a black Shih-Tzu instead, Ace. He was the best gift I ever got, and Jackson Ace, my pug, is now tied with Ace for the best gift I ever received! 

To see many pictures & videos of him, please visit his Instagram page, jackson_ace_reinke. 

Jacks was born Feb 2020. A coffee-lover like his mom and dad.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

You're Not Really Pro-Life, Are You?

     There exists in the world so much hate, so much judgement, so much simplifying of deep and complex issues. So much skewing of the facts, so much talking about topics that one knows nothing about, has never experienced, and in fact does not care to actually do anything about. 

     In the past couple of years since becoming a nurse, many of my experiences in Guatemala and Honduras have troubled me. There are children born day in and day out into horrendous circumstances, growing up to perpetuate those same circumstances they were born into. And there aren't enough people willing to help; to reduce the rate of unintended pregnancy and to help those in crisis pregnancy situations. I've lost count now of how many months my mind has been spinning, trying to think of solutions to this deep and complex issue. 

     Recently, I watched the first episode of Season 8 of Call the Midwife, a series based on the real life of Jennifer Worth who was a midwife to the underserved population in east London in the 1950s- 1960s. This series deals with the realities of life, the harsh realities. And when I watch an episode, my mind always spins. With this newest episode, my mind continued to spin with this deep and complex topic that I mentioned above. 

     And I have been seeing, everywhere I turn, that not everyone who is anti-abortion is also pro-life. In fact, I would argue that most of the former are not the latter.

     In the textbook Women's Gynecologic Health by Schuiling and Likis (2017)the authors explain the following:


"Significant disparities in rates of unintended pregnancy and abortion in United States have been identified. Women who are between the ages of 18 and 24, unmarried, Latina or Black, with incomes less than 200% of the federal poverty level, or without a high school diploma experience both of these reproductive health events at disproportionate levels relative to older, married, white, more affluent or more educated women... a majority of women (61%) who have abortions have had one or more previous births (p. 415)." 

     These facts tell me that whether abortion is legal or illegal isn't the problem. Abortion is illegal in Honduras and largely illegal in Guatemala (only permitted if the life of the mother is in danger). But abortion still exists in these two countries, and many women die because it is done in an unsafe and unregulated manner. Just as pro-gun advocates argue that strict gun laws won't decrease mass shootings or prevent "bad" people from having guns, use the same logic here: making abortion illegal won't stop abortion. It's not stopping, even where it's illegal. 
     Yes, laws can help bring safety and order. It may reduce the number of abortions, but that does not solve the actual problem of why the abortion was deemed the best option in the first place. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "Morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. Judicial decrees may not change the heart, but they can restrain the heartless." This is a reason why laws can help. But with abortion, we must look deeper; we must not see these woman as "heartless" or "immoral." Many times, it is not even the mother's choice, but rather she is forced, as reproductive coercion is all too common.
     What if we stopped looking at this issue from a legal/illegal standpoint, and starting looking at it from a standpoint of trying to solve the problem from the root of the issue? Women and girls in crisis pregnancy need support. The statistics stated above tell us who is most at risk for unwanted pregnancy (in the U.S). What if we started making efforts to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and supporting those who find themselves in this situation? Then it wouldn't matter what the law says, because we would be preventing the need for abortion in the first place. 

     I realize that the reasons for choosing abortion are vast, and that unwanted pregnancy is by no means the only reason. Again, this is only one part of very complex issue, but I believe an important one. 

     The textbook continues, "Three-fourths of women who have an abortion report a religious affiliation. Many of these women identify themselves with religions that typically prohibit abortion: 28% of women who have abortions are Catholic, and 15% are Born-Again, Evangelical, or Fundamentalist (Jones & Kavanaugh, 2011, p. 415)."

     I know from the religious culture I grew up in, everyone is so busy fighting about the laws and judging people, that they don't have time to be compassionate and support people in need. know that if I had found myself pregnant as an adolescent, I would have felt that abortion was my only choice. Of course, this is hypothetical and I only know for sure what would have happened if I did experience that, but this is just to say how I remember feeling. My experience in the conservative Christian culture is that it is so full of judgement and so lacking in love. But my experience has given me the ability to understand one of the reasons why many may find abortion to be their only option. 
    
     This anti-abortion culture demands that women are forced to give birth, whether the pregnancy was a result of her choices or not, yet the vast majority are unwilling to help these women who are unable to care for their baby, they are unwilling to support the family, or foster/ adopt these babies that they demand be born but have no one to care for them. In the past 4 years, the number of children in foster care has increased every year, with more than 437,500 children in the foster care system in the U.S. at the end of the year 2016, and only 57,000 of those children were adopted. And every year, about 20,000 children age out of the foster system with no family. I understand that many families are on a wait-list to adopt a newborn. And that is only in the U.S. That is not to mention the global orphan crisis; the orphanages that are filled with millions of children who are neglected and abused, suffering and dying alone.
What does that tell me about most anti-abortion people? That they aren't really pro-life. People, we have to put action behind our words. 


     To those of you who are are not anti-abortion, but are pro-life with your actions, thank you. You are what life is all about. 





References
Jones, R. K. and Kavanaugh, M. L. (2011). Changes in abortion rates between 2000 and 2008 and lifetime incidence of abortion. In Women's gynecologic health (3rd ed). Burlington, MA: Jones & Bartlett Learning.

Schuiling, K. D., and Likis, F. E. (2017). Women's gynecologic health (3rd ed). Burlington, MA: Jones & Bartlett Learning.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Life Is Not About What You Own, It's About What Owns You

Kennet Silva- San Pedro Sula, Honduras 
    

      Ownership is around us everyday. Everything that you can see is owned by a natural person or legal person. Owning things these days consumes our societies. I'm not opposed to owning things, but what is inspiring me to write this for you is this question: what owns you?

     These years living in Guatemala, Central America, made me get disconnected from common society. Where we lived is like going back in time, you just have exactly what you just need, many times even less. Water and electricity were constantly playing hide-and-seek with us. Now we are living in the second largest city in Honduras, and I can sense God teaching me that life is not about what you own, it's about what owns you.

     A few days ago a person told me that an old friend of ours bought a fancy apartment and a new truck. My natural response surprised me because normally, years ago, I would like to see him again just to see what he purchased. But now I felt disconnected from that feeling, and he is just going to stay as an old friend. By saying this, it is that his ownership, his possession, would not attract me to him.
     Another example is that a friend of mine and my wife recently received a local award, so she has been in social media and the newspapers. We have been trying to meet with her and her family for weeks before this, but we haven't had the chance. Now, I told my wife that is not a good idea to go visit them right now as I don't want to give the impression that their ownership is attracting us to them.
     As a last example, in 2015 I won a "Young Entrepreneur" award from the President of Honduras for my Solar Bakpak. During this time, a lot of people got attracted to me for my accomplishment, which showed me that were attracted to success and appearance.  

     It may sound complex, but when you are outside the box or as some people say outside the "bubble" for so long, you start seeing things differently. You see the corners and shadows of situations that look normal, but inside they are really profound. 

   
     What owns you?

     Do you own your things or do they own you? Do you own your new car because you need it or because your neighbor just got one?
     We can ask these question for anything and everything: do you go to church because you feel obligated to go or because God owns you? 

     Right now, I'm helping my family get back on their feet in business. I need to ask myself these questions: am I doing this for the money or am I doing it so they can have enough to pay rent, school, electricity and water. I can say that I'm doing it not for the money (as I earn more in other businesses outside of selling textiles) but I do it so that peace owns them.

     You will reflect what really owns you, just like water reflects light. 

     If you are a person that has everything but you don't have peace, you're not owned by peace, you're owned by ___(fill in the blank)___.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 


     I pray, God, in Jesus' name, that you will give us peace, I thank you for peace in our hearts; let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Let us be the vessels that reflect your peace to others.

Amen.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Almost 2019, Oh My!

Well... it's already Christmas! Five months since my last update- wow! Two weeks ago I officially finished my first semester of grad school- all A's! I never pulled straight A's in nursing school, so I was surprised at this achievement! I am very thankful for the opportunity to be studying midwifery and that Kennet is working hard to pay our bills and cover our needs while I study full-time.  

We are living with Kennet's parents and his four siblings, although his sister just got married so she and her husband are now our neighbors and there are just 3 siblings in the house. Although I would rather live in a shared space with extended family rather than neighbors as we did in rural Guatemala, living with family can be wearying. 

Still, no matter who I'm living with or not living with, my problem is that I am constantly comparing myself to everyone else who I think I want to be like, and in any situation I will focus on what is wrong and want to fix it, rather than enjoying what is. It happened in Guatemala when I wanted to be with family either in Pennsylvania or Honduras, and it's happening now when I feel frustrated that Kennet and I don't have our own space nor privacy, something I think is necessary when trying to build our own family and traditions. 
I also have never had a permanent home since moving out of the house I grew up in at 18 years old- almost a decade ago. It's been constantly short-term housing, with belongings in storage here and there and everywhere. Maybe I shouldn't long for something so materialistic, but I do long for a permanent place to call home. Something that is ours. 

But with or without family, with or without a home, this "destination addiction" is something that is problematic for me. That idea that happiness is always at the next place causes this constant discontentment. I know that it is related to depression and wanting something external to make me feel better. This is something I've always had. I thought moving to Guatemala after "graduating" from homeschool at age 18 would make me happy. I though moving to Honduras after living in Guatemala would make me happy. I thought studying nursing at the university would make me happy. I thought working at the clinic in Guatemala would make me happy, that getting married would make me happy, that getting a puppy or having a baby would make me happy. Let's be real here: nothing makes me happy. 

Happiness has to come from within. And if I am always comparing myself to others and not dealing with the root of my problem within, I will miss out on the gift that is now.

What complicates this for me is that while I alway want something else or something more, guilt always coexists with this want. On a daily basis I see the extreme poverty that is the majority of Honduras. It's hard for me that we live in a house that is moldy and falling apart. That is infested with rats, mosquitos, and cockroaches, that rain water pours down the walls of my room. But if I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, even if it's patched with tarps, that I have electricity and warm water on most days and never have to miss a meal, that I am strong and able-bodied even with chronic back pain, I can see that I am indeed blessed beyond measure and I should give generously to helps those children, single moms, and the handicapped who I encounter daily on the streets. The pain and suffering is overwhelming and can be paralyzing. I have to constantly remind myself that no one can fix everything, but everyone can do something to help someone else. 

This Christmas season, I want to encourage you to be thankful for what you do have, and look for every opportunity to be generous and pay it forward. 

And to give you a preview of the next update...After the New Year on January 15th, we finally have our interview at the US Embassy in Tegucigalpa for Kennet's green card. We have officially been in this process for a YEAR (after we got married last year in August, we didn't receive our marriage certificate until December because of many governmental issues and political unrest, so nothing was being processed), and although we weren't supposed to get an interview date for 3-5 months right now in December after the National Visa Center accepted our case as complete, we got it in less than a month! That may seem like something little, but it's huge! This year has a been a lot of waiting, extremely tedious paperwork, and a lot of fees for everything. I don't wish this process on anyone. Needless to say, I'm so glad that we are literally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and we will soon stop having to pay the US government what feels like outrageous fees every time I blink! 

That is all for now... thank you for reading, I appreciate any feedback or comments!