beautifully broken

   i want to share an unedited account of my week so far...

   i came back to school on sunday evening from a five day thanksgiving break at home at my sister sarah and brother-in-law dan's house. great time of laughter, good food, sunny runs around the lake, and lots of sleep. i came back a little stressed out about being able to finish out my last few weeks of the semester really well, and that was already on top of being frustrated at myself for having a negative attitude my last night at home and taking it out on the kids (my little nieces and nephews). moreover, i came back to find that my wallet was not in my dorm and nowhere to be found. would i have to get a new license, credit, and debit card? i was trying to book flights for christmas break and spring break and things were not quite going my way. because of all this and my already negative attitude, every other little things was getting me so annoyed.

   that night i got practically no old testament homework done and i felt very unaccomplished. i sat on the sofa across from my friend in the lounge to complain to him about my life of unfortunate events. when i almost began to ramble off my mishaps, i realized how ridiculous it was in the grand scheme of life... my friend told me that it's truly not a big deal... don't sweat the small stuff. God is still good. the problem wasn't my problems... it was me. my attitude and priorities were in the wrong place. since when did not having my wallet become more important than trusting God? 

   i remembered when just a couple days before moving back to the US from honduras, i left my iphone in a taxi. i had almost gone the whole year without losing anything really important, and then i blew it. of course i freaked out, knowing the chances of me getting it back were slim to none. let's be honest, that phone was my safety net, my connection to the world, and i didn't want to lose it. soon enough i gave it to God and stopped worrying about it, knowing He'd give it back to me if i was supposed to have it. very long story made short, twelve hours later the phone was returned to me. my trust in God grew a lot more than i imagined through that little incident, and i no longer held quite so tightly to my material possessions... until i lost my wallet and freaked out in the same way (only this time more internally). after talking about it that night as i said before, i gave it God and realized that if i was supposed to have my wallet then i would get it back, and if not, it obviously wasn't necessary. the next afternoon i found out from panera bread that they had it and i remembered that i left it there before break. 

   i believe God is allowing these little frustrations to occur because it's reminding me where my priorities lie. i am able to see if i just say that He is more than enough for me, or if i really believe that and live that. when i get caught up with school and life, things that don't matter become big distractions. the more time i spend with God, the more i realize that He is all that matters... it was never about what i wanted or thought i needed.
   yesterday at chapel our guest speaker Rev. Dr. Charles McNeil spoke on faith and doubt. as the service was closing, he said that we don't have to have a perfect faith to be touched by Jesus...the only way to keep real faith is to admit our doubts and struggles. on monday night i was talking with a friend about what i've been going through and learning this week as we ran laps in the cold darkness around the soccer field, and i expressed my frustration at myself for my attitude and the way i took it out on her and other people. she reminded me that we should be grateful that we have each other to keep accountable and that it's evident that the Holy Spirit is working in me because i see these things in me and hate them. in our brokenness we can beautifully magnify Him and remember it was never about us anyway.