truth or lie

have you ever believed a lie? i used to be particularly gullible, so i tended to believe everything i heard. i am aware of this now and don't believe everything as fact straightaway anymore, but still even if someone tells me a joke that sounds crazy, i usually believe it until i am told the truth. when i believe something that isn't true and then find out the truth later, i think how bizarre it is that i believed something that is clearly not true. but for me, the lie only becomes understood as false once the truth has not only been revealed, but also believed. 

seven months ago, my family started working with a psychologist/ leadership coach through some issues in our family, some since the beginning and some developing over more recent years, and he has been helping us to work through these issues as a family and to develop our selves as individuals.  

it has been a difficult time for me personally because i have come to many realizations that i was never aware of for my whole life. 

one thing that i have been personally dealing with is the belief that i am not worth it. replace "it" with almost any word-- i have always felt underneath everything that i am really not of worth to anyone and that it would have been better if i wasn't born. this naturally led to a generally depressed feeling most of the time and affected my everyday thoughts and attitudes, but i became fairly good at impression management. 

in the course of counseling so far, i have come to this understanding that i have believed this about myself, and if i want to move forward with counseling and bring healing to my life, i can't pretend anymore that i don't believe it. i need to accept this as truth in order to overcome it.

once i came to understand the truth that i was believing a lie for so long, the fact that i actually believed the lie became ludicrous to me. i felt ashamed that even though i knew that i was loved by God (because God loves everyone), i believed the lies of the devil that i ultimately did not matter and that i was only a burden to the people in my life. 

during a recent conversation with the counselor, the realization of this belief came to me so clearly that there was no denying it, and i realized that nothing will change unless i do something. 

when i need to organize my thoughts i write, so i wrote seven pages of very honest truth about my life and what i have always believed about myself from my earliest memories until the present day. i had never been so honest with myself or with anyone else. so there i had it, staring at me in the face. now that i was no longer ignoring reality of what i was believing, i saw clear as daylight that i was believing a lie from the pit of hell. 

once the truth was clear to me, i was able to see the complete lie that i was believing. how insane that i could know the love of God and have such a desire for every person to know his love, yet i was believing none of it to be true for myself. it really doesn't make logical sense, but that is just it-- the devil is the great deceiver, the father of lies (john 8:44). and he disguises himself as an angel of light! (2 corinthians 11:14). the devil is out seeking whom he can devour (1 peter 5:8). he wants to destroy each person in whatever way he can, and there are a plethora of lies that he makes people believe. 

i have come to understand like never before that life is really a battle between the lies of the devil and the truth of God. it's a hard battle. as i started seeking scripture that talks about the battle of life and standing firm against the enemy, it was clear to me how important it is to be aware and to consciously seek truth. ephesians 6:10 says, "put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." truth. righteousness. peace. faith. salvation. the word of God. this is the armor that i must put on daily if i am to stand strong and win the battle. 

in my process of understanding the truth in who i am, i have come to see that for so long i have been seeking human approval and acceptance when God desires that i seek him first. i was seeking human love before God's love, and it always failed me because people are people and are not perfect. for me, the point is this: i don't believe realizing my worth is possible without God, because he in fact is where my worth comes from to begin with. whether a person is born into a family who loves him or her or born and grows up on the streets alone, every person has infinite value simply because God made them and God infinitely loves his creation. it doesn't matter if people say or make me feel like i am worth living or not. in the end it doesn't matter what people think of me. i am worth it because God made me. if every person is made by and matters to God, that includes you, and that includes me. that includes every person. 

so if you feel worthless, remember that others can't give you your value. it comes from a God who made you and loves you as an individual.

as people, i believe that we should love each person the same way that God loves us. but we must first have an understanding of God's love of ourselves in order to be able to love others as he does. and when the battle gets tough and we fail at loving each other, remember that we have a God whose love never fails. 

no matter what your particular battle is, it can be overcome. because greater is he that lives in us than he that lives in the world (1 john 4:4). 

jesus already conquered death and the enemy on the cross. it's already done. with him, i am already victorious. the battle may be long, but i know the truth. and the truth shall set us free (jonn 8:32).