Saturday, October 25, 2014

All I Need

I am lost
I'm alone
I have no place to go
Oh God, could you carry me home?
You're the God who saves
Yet I still run away
I'm a prodigal with no faith

Your love is all I need

And I know just what to say
I know what to do
Do I have no faith in You?

Your love is all I need

Carry me home
Come and carry me home
Your love is all I need


-The Icarus Account 

Saturday, October 11, 2014

fall days



i had a very busy week with two (successful!) midterms among other things, and although i need to spend this weekend preparing for another busy coming week, i am looking forward to a four day weekend for fall free days!!! this seems to be one of my favorite times of the year. 
this morning i was at home (my brother's home- one of my many homes :)), baking pumpkin muffins to take to camilla hall (a home for retired nuns) on monday where i will be going with my nursing class. it will be our first off-campus adventure all together in our scrubs!

it was just me and acey (my dog and loyal companion of 8 years now), and as i baked and the smell of pumpkin filled the room, we both looked out the big windows to a rainy fall day, and i accepted for the first time that fall is officially here. up until now the days have been mostly warm and sunny and i have been able to wear my summer shorts and flip flops all day long. 
yesterday i had to put away the flip flops, and it was the first time i had to run in long pants and long sleeves.
we looked out at the windy and rainy fall day, and i was thankful for the rain, being reminded that last night my friend in california asked for prayers that rain would come. 

i looked across the room at the flower bouquets drying in between the windows, and i was reminded that it has been one week since the beautiful wedding of my sister emily and her husband shami. they are in greece now for their honeymoon and then will go back to their home in rwanda. although i haven't been able to easily stop my tears this week because i do miss my sister so much, i have no words to say how happy i am for them and what an honor it is to be a part of their lives, near or far.

fall is here, emily is married, i am soon beginning the second half the semester... i am trying to embrace each new season of life and not wish for what has passed and what is not yet here. that is hard for me. it helps if i try to find what i am thankful for in the present moment because otherwise it's too easy for me to wish away these busy and most of the time very stressful days. i don't want to do that because gosh, they pass so quickly!

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Long Awaited Day is Almost Here...

Tomorrow my sister Emily and her fiancĂ© Shami arrive from Rwanda for their wedding in three weeks!!! HOORAY! I can't remember a time in my life when I've legitimately been more excited.
Whenever I want to worry that I will get behind in my studies during the wedding week and weekend, I just get too happy and my worries go away. 
I am so so so thankful and happy for them.

http://www.theknot.com/wedding/Emily-and-Shami

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Freedom

What a summer it has been.. After I arrived back to the US from Rwanda, I lived with my brother Andrew and his wife Jen and their 4 hilarious and rapidly growing children. They live near my university so I was able to work of the families that I nanny for throughout the school year on a more regular basis throughout this summer. It is really a joy to spend so much of my time with all these kids! In between nannying, I went to the beach in Cape May with my sister Sarah and and some friends and cousins, I went to Maine for the wedding of a friend, I went to Sanibel to visit friends (and the beach!), I went home to Bear Creek to see family and friends for an annual reunion, I went to Danville and northern Virginia to visit friends, and I went to Missouri to nanny and see family friends... what a summer it turned out to be! all while helping my sister Emily plan her wedding which is coming on October 4th! And during all of this I have been able to make a significant amount of progress with the process of counseling that my family is in. I am growing in my faith and continuing to learn what freedom in Christ is and who I am because of Him.
And now I am officially a junior in college. What!
I am now back on campus, getting ready to be a Teaching Assistant for the incoming pre-nursing students in the Introduction to Faith, Reason, and Justice class. As I prepare for this semester and settle in and reconnect with classmates and friends, I am also thinking of Haiti.




Today was the finale of Haiti's national music competition to promote freedom and bring about awareness to Haiti's child slavery crisis. Many people worked together to bring this even together, and I'm glad that some of my family and dear friends are there along with Chris Tomlin and some US congress people to support our friends in Haiti who are working so tirelessly in continuing to bring God's kingdom to Haiti.

The world is not an easy place to live in.. no matter where you are or who you are, none of us escapes the brokenness. Although I consistently see and experience people fighting the darkness, all over the news and social media is the chaos that sometimes feels like it is taking over the world. 
I have experienced that when I take my eyes off of Jesus, the darkness does seem overwhelming and I cannot see His light that is in fact more powerful than the darkness, and in order to bring that light to every part of the world we must keep our focus on Him!
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. -1 John 1:5

My devotional from today was exactly what I needed to read as I have been thinking particularly about Haiti, but also every place in the world where people are experiencing all kinds of suffering, as all of us experience it in different ways.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me. - Psalm 23:4

My dear Child, I have no delight in the suffering of My people. I allow it only for their eternal good. Blessed are those who turn to Me in their trouble, for I am a God of mercy and compassion. The valleys through which I call you to go need not frighten you. The shadows and darkness are only for a time. Let your faith grow strong when darkness comes. Faith will overcome where daylight cannot prevail. 
(Hal Helms)

As we walk this journey, may we not forget with whom we journey-- the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).
There is a song on Passion's most recent album sung by Christy Nockels called "Let It Be Jesus." These few lyrics in it have been particularly speaking to me as it goes along with all of this.

Should I ever be abandoned
Should I ever be acclaimed 
Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame 
There's a name I will remember, there's a name I will proclaim
Let it be Jesus


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

I find this writer Frank to be interesting, particularly this article I just read.


Monday, July 21, 2014

truth or lie

have you ever believed a lie? i used to be particularly gullible, so i tended to believe everything i heard. i am aware of this now and don't believe everything as fact straightaway anymore, but still even if someone tells me a joke that sounds crazy, i usually believe it until i am told the truth. when i believe something that isn't true and then find out the truth later, i think how bizarre it is that i believed something that is clearly not true. but for me, the lie only becomes understood as false once the truth has not only been revealed, but also believed. 

seven months ago, my family started working with a psychologist/ leadership coach through some issues in our family, some since the beginning and some developing over more recent years, and he has been helping us to work through these issues as a family and to develop our selves as individuals.  
it has been a difficult time for me personally because i have come to many realizations that i was never aware of for my whole life. 
one thing that i have been personally dealing with is the belief that i am not worth it. replace "it" with almost any word-- i have always felt underneath everything that i am really not of worth to anyone and that it would have been better if i wasn't born. this naturally led to a generally depressed feeling most of the time and affected my everyday thoughts and attitudes, but i became fairly good at impression management. 

in the course of counseling so far, i have come to this understanding that i have believed this about myself, and if i want to move forward with counseling and bring healing to my life, i can't pretend anymore that i don't believe it. i need to accept this as truth in order to overcome it.
once i came to understand the truth that i was believing a lie for so long, the fact that i actually believed the lie became ludicrous to me. i felt ashamed that even though i knew that i was loved by God (because God loves everyone), i believed the lies of the devil that i ultimately did not matter and that i was only a burden to the people in my life. 

during a recent conversation with the counselor, the realization of this belief came to me so clearly that there was no denying it, and i realized that nothing will change unless do something. 
when i need to organize my thoughts i write, so i wrote seven pages of very honest truth about my life and what i have always believed about myself from my earliest memories until the present day. i had never been so honest with myself or with anyone else. so there i had it, staring at me in the face. now that i was no longer ignoring reality of what i was believing, i saw clear as daylight that i was believing a lie from the pit of hell. 
once the truth was clear to me, i was able to see the complete lie that i was believing. how insane that i could know the love of God and have such a desire for every person to know his love, yet i was believing none of it to be true for myself. it really doesn't make logical sense, but that is just it-- the devil is the great deceiver, the father of lies (john 8:44). and he disguises himself as an angel of light! (2 corinthians 11:14). the devil is out seeking whom he can devour (1 peter 5:8). he wants to destroy each person in whatever way he can, and there are a plethora of lies that he makes people believe. 

i have come to understand like never before that life is really a battle between the lies of the devil and the truth of God. it's a hard battle. as i started seeking scripture that talks about the battle of life and standing firm against the enemy, it was clear to me how important it is to be aware and to consciously seek truth. ephesians 6:10 says, "put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." truth. righteousness. peace. faith. salvation. the word of God. this is the armor that i must put on daily if i am to stand strong and win the battle. 


in my process of understanding the truth in who i am, i have come to see that for so long i have been seeking human approval and acceptance when God desires that i seek him first. i was seeking human love before God's love, and it always failed me because people are people and are not perfect. for me, the point is this: i don't believe realizing my worth is possible without God, because he in fact is where my worth comes from to begin with. whether a person is born into a family who loves him or her or born and grows up on the streets alone, every person has infinite value simply because God made them and God infinitely loves his creation. it doesn't matter if people say or make me feel like i am worth living or not. in the end it doesn't matter what people think of me. i am worth it because God made me. if every person is made by and matters to God, that includes you, and that includes me. that includes every person. 
so if you feel worthless, remember that others can't give you your value. it comes from a God who made you and loves you as an individual.
as people, i believe that we should love each person the same way that God loves us. but we must first have an understanding of God's love of ourselves in order to be able to love others as he does. and when the battle gets tough and we fail at loving each other, remember that we have a God whose love never fails. 

no matter what your particular battle is, it can be overcome. because greater is he that lives in us than he that lives in the world (1 john 4:4). 
jesus already conquered death and the enemy on the cross. it's already done. with him, i am already victorious. the battle may be long, but i know the truth. and the truth shall set us free (jonn 8:32).

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Rwanda-- Week 3 and 4

Update: We spent our third week at the hospital in the maternity unit, and this is by far my favorite unit to be in. Claire says the same for herself as well. It is an exciting unit with something always happening.
Roughly seventy percent of women in Rwanda give birth in health centers in this country (as opposed to in their homes), and there are about four hundred if these facilities nationwide. If a woman is high risk or is experiencing complications, she is transferred to a district hospital, and those are the patients that we see here.
During the week Claire and I observed quite a few births (about three per day). Compared to the US, the equipment here is very limited, but they do their best with what they have, and the nurses’ and midwives’ education is increasing with teachers like Leslie.
Felix is the student midwife who became our designated supervisor for the week, and he is always sure that Claire and I are not only learning, but also practicing what we learn. There are a lot of midwifery students on this unit so it is a good learning environment. We also sat in on some of Leslie’s midwifery lectures which we enjoyed very much. She is a great professor!
In the morning, we spend time with the mothers who are laboring if they are struggling to remain calm, and we make sure to give much attention to mothers who may be ready to deliver a stillborn child.
The labor room is small and full of beds, so it gets hot quickly with many people in this small space, especially with no fans and no breeze through the opened windows. Despite the heat and smell of sweat and urine, it is good to be with these women to massage their backs or give them a drink or hold their hand (or catch them as they are passing out, as I had to do our second day on the unit!), since they are otherwise alone to labor in a room full of other laboring women as families are not allowed to be with them except to bring food and water.
The nurses and midwife on duty continually do rounds to keep check on the fetal heart rate and the progress of the mother. The first day I was having trouble hearing the fetal heartbeat through the fetoscope, but I was very excited the next day when I counted accurately the first time listening to a heartbeat.
When a women is ready to give birth, she goes across the hall to one of the three delivery rooms. It is common here in Rwanda for many complications to occur in childbirth because there is a lack of antenatal care. Because of this we have witnessed a variety of situations. Some things we observed and learned how to do this week are:
d
  •      Under what circumstances to put the mother on oxygen during labor
  •       When a mother needs an episiotomy (far more episiotomies and C-sections are performed in Rwanda than necessary, so this is a point of needed education here)
  •       When a baby needs to be assisted in birth by a vacuum suction
  •       How to get a baby to start breathing if it is not doing so immediately after being born
  •       How to do a full infant examination after birth
  •       How to apply eye cream and give a vitamin K injection to the infant
  •       How to deliver a placenta and check that it is all in tact and no pieces have been left in the uterus
  •       What medicine the to give the mother to prevent and stop hemorrhaging


Highlight of the week: Doing a lot of hands-on learning in the maternity unit this week, and learning a lot from the students and Leslie.

Leslie took us down the street to the Rwamagana School of Nursing and Midwifery for a tour of the campus. There are about three hundred students, two hundred of which live on the campus. It is a beautiful place, and they even grow their own food in big gardens, and they have cows which the milk to make chai tea and they also sell it.

On our second to last weekend we went to lake Kivu in Gisenyi with Emily, Shami, and Babu. It is so beautiful and relaxing there, and it was nice to be in the fresh air and get out of the city for a day!

Our last weekend, we went to the rainforest at Nyungwe National Park to camp overnight and go hiking. No wonder it was named one of the top twenty places to visit in the world! Breathtakingly beautiful, high up in the mountains, we were completely surrounded by forest for miles and miles. Sounds of birds and chimpanzees echoed in the forest. We were so happy to have experienced this beautiful part of Rwanda.

Challenge of the week: Passing people on the sidewalk! I was laughing about this with Emily and Shami, because people don’t walk on the sidewalks here the same way they drive on the road. People tend to walk in crowds on the sidewalk and don’t move out of the way or make a single file when people are passing in the opposite direction. Even when one or two people are walking towards us, they usually walk down the middle of the sidewalk or even on the correct side, but quickly switch sides before passing. It makes for a very attentive walk anywhere, as you are constantly dodging people at the last step or passing crowds on the road. You’d think it would be simple enough to use the sidewalk the same way you drive, but for some reason that doesn’t work here.

Humor of the week: Claire and I spent our last day in Rwanda in Kigali with Babu, wandering around town exploring and getting things that we wanted to bring home. It had been such a successful trip with no casualties, but of course, on the last day, we lost two important things: Claire and my iPhone. Thankfully, at least we got back the more important one!
At the end of the day, we were taking motorbike taxies from town back to the bus station to go home. Babu told the moto drivers that we would stop at one store along the way, but only my driver and his heard the message, Claire’s did not. So we stopped, and when Claire kept going, my driver said that he told him where to take Claire (our final destination). Well that wasn’t the case, so Claire’s driver began looking for us and finally came back to the store where we stopped, after we had already left. When Babu and I arrived to the bus stop and didn’t see Claire, I slightly panicked but realized that Claire had my bag with my phone in it. Babu called her and although she was in a slight frenzy, Babu calmed her and told her to get a moto and tell him to bring her to the Eco Bank where we were waiting. After some confusion with which bank and six motos all surrounding her, Claire jumped on one and hoped he would bring her to the right one. Babu and I had a great laugh at this now that we knew she was safe. I tried to get out all my laughter before she arrived. That didn’t work. I’m still laughing about it.
We got on the bus, and somehow by the time we got off and walked the rest of the way home, my iPhone was gone. It’s totally gone, and I have no idea how. But that was our only casualty this trip, so I’d say it went pretty well!

Claire and I are so thankful for this experience we had in Rwanda— in Rwamagana at the hospital, in Kigali, at Lake Kivu in Gisenyi, and in the rainforest at Nyungwe National Park. We want to again give a special thank you to all of our friends and family who supported us and made this trip possible. It is a time we will never forget!

I have pictures of our last week at the hospital with Leslie and the students we worked with, but they are on Leslie's camera and I have not obtained them yet!


Shami and Emily keeping it cool at the lake




cloudy day a the lake



the library at Rwamagana School of Nursing and Midwifery

personal cellphone holder for the midwife (Felix here) when sterile or soiled gloves are on during a delivery


Outside the house with Giselle, our new Rwandese sister 


Claire and I on the canopy bridge high above the rainforest!

Emily and Shami enjoying the view from the canopy bridge