Where Is The Hope?

I recently experienced the most difficult of situations that I have had thus far in nursing school, and probably one of the most difficult in my whole life. Being a nurse means at times caring for people in the most sick and most vulnerable times of their lives and it is truly an honor, but it brings with it sadness and many times a sense of hopelessness. 

I had this experience very profoundly for the first time, where I truly felt hopeless and helpless. In this particular situation, the illness and complications that my patient had did not allow for any way of communication. This person could not speak nor use his hands to write. Although he was completely mentally capable, his current physical state prevented him from being able to communicate in any effective way. His primary nurse and other student nurses stood with me as we painstakingly tried to read his lips as he mouthed word by word what he was trying to communicate. In those moments I would have given anything to have a lip-reader come and save us. Among many feelings, this person was afraid, anxious, and frustrated as I stood there completely helpless, holding the hand of this beautiful soul. I could see the sweetness of his spirit as he always mouthed "thank you" with a smile every time I was able to understand and help him. The sadness of this situation was crushing me. I knew that his illness was terminal and I couldn't just hold his hand and tell him that he would be better soon.

At one point I was sitting at the computer and I began to cry. I usually can emotionally separate myself from my patients, but the realization of my lack of being able to provide for his needs profoundly affected me. I had never felt so helpless for a patient. I prayed in my heart that God would give this person peace, that he may know God's love and saving grace. For a brief moment I did feel peace, remembering that what I do is not by my might nor by my power, but by the Spirit of God (Zechariah 4:6). 
As beautiful as nursing is, it can be just as heartbreaking. Any field of work has it heartbreaks. To state the obvious, we are in a broken world, and who said life would be easy? No one. On the contrary, Jesus promised hardships and persecution and trials of many kinds, but He promised to never leave us. If there is one thing I want my patients to  know, it is that. And when I cannot communicate this, I remember that Jesus works through me on my behalf (Hebrews 7:25).
I can choose to live in hopelessness by what I see, or I can live in hope through faith in the One who is faithful from the beginning to the end of time (2 Cor. 5:7, Phil. 1:6).
More than anything physical healing, I want every person that I care for to have spiritual healing and know a hope that is greater than life or death.

I was able to care for this patient again the next week, and I was so happy to see his smile upon seeing me. He seemed more comfortable than the week before which was shortly after his admission and invasive procedures, and I was able to understand nearly every word he mouthed to me. I cried again upon seeing a sweet letter on his wall written to him by his daughter, but at the end of the day as he was getting ready to sleep, I was so thankful to have been able to spend time with him again. I knew that I had done all that I could have done and gave my best, and that, friends, is all that God asks of us. to walk in obedience to Him. He will take care of the rest.

Reflections of "The Suicide Tourist"

In my Nursing Capstone class, we are currently talking about ethics in healthcare. We watched a documentary called The Suicide Tourist, and these are my reflections written as a class assignment. I would love to hear your thoughts if you have seen this film or have had similar experiences.

Three main thoughts I brought away from this film:

1.   To live is to be a part of beauty and tragedy, of happiness and sadness.  I believe that the only one who can give hope to anyone in any circumstance is God. To be a nurse and to so often care for people as they are born, as they journey through some of the hardest times in their lives, and as they die is of highest privilege, but it is also to be a part of such happiness and sadness all the time. I believe to lose a loved one is one of the greatest pains a human can feel, and to be the one dying, well, I cannot speak from experience, but I would imagine that without hope in God it could be sad or depressing or scary. To see a loved one dying or to be the one dying with a sense of hope and greater purpose than just this life on earth can bring a sense of peace and hope that goes deeper than human understanding. It was a very good experience to watch the videos about the two men with ALS. The videos showed the difference in the way they lived with their disease. To see the positivity of the man with ALS was a reminder for me as one who will care for the sick to intend to bring a sense of hope to everyone I care for.

2.   Knowing what is right and wrong in any situation dealing with death is so tricky- it is so complex and so not easy. I want to have the opinion that as humans we have autonomy over ourselves—that is if one doesn’t believe that God should be the only one who gives life and takes life (and I can’t force someone to believe that)—but then if someone with ALS who is suffering has an estimated some months or a year to live and wants to kill him or herself, why is it not okay for a teenager who is depressed and suicidal for him or her to commit suicide? Who determines what kind of suffering makes it acceptable to kill oneself? And we are all going to die one day- and no one, not even someone with ALS or cancer or any terminal disease, knows exactly when they will die. Who determines that it is okay to kill oneself if he/she only has a certain estimated time to live? It all gets so fuzzy, and although I want everyone to have the hope that I have and the belief that God is the only one who gives and takes life, and that every day he gives us on this earth is for a purpose and to be used to honor him- I cannot make anyone believe that, and that is when I have to let them have for themselves the autonomy over their own life. But if I claim that, then I am saying that I believe I must let anyone take their own life should they choose to; this is hard to swallow, but I don’t see another way that makes sense.

3.   To lose a loved one is sad, even for someone who has hope. Even to see someone else, with whom I may have no relation- such as the family in the first ASL documentary that we watched, is sad. I think that everyone who experiences loss or sees someone else experiencing it know that this is true. It is hard to watch people suffer and it is hard to watch them die, but we must not shy away from these hard things. It is good to cry, to be sad, to search for answers and to be challenged. We can find deeper meaning in life and become more whole people through these experiences. God made life and death the way he did for reasons not known to me, and he doesn’t make anything bad or make mistakes. Maybe the sadness and loss we feel can bring us closer to him. I know that that has happened to me. I believe to be a truly good nurse and to be able to offer holistic care, we must see and know and experiences all of these aspects of life, embracing all of the happiness and sadness and everything in between, being grounded in a faith that goes deeper than circumstances.

happy 2016 to all

(note: i wrote this blog as this semester was just beginning, before anything actually began.. but then i hit the ground running with classes and clinicals and more work hours, so i never got around to editing and posting until now!)
 
i did have the most simultaneously relaxing but busy and FUN holiday season. i traveled to rwanda for christmas and then to honduras and nicaragua for the new year. i was able to see almost all of my family during this time (everyone except for my west coast brother, jon!), and as well i spent time with kennet and some of my dear latin america friends. 
 
as i took time to relax and enjoy the time as well as reflect on the past semester and prepare for the (last!) upcoming one, one theme was consistent throughout- God's grace is sufficient. that is it, no and's if's or but's. He was faithful from the beginning, and He is faithful every step until the end, because that is who He is. De is faithful and His grace is sufficient. 
 
i want to share a few reflections from my last semester.. it was by far my best semester not only educationally, but for me in my personal growth. there were a few "firsts" that i experienced which i could have allowed affect me negatively, but instead i saw God's grace in my life through them. I more consciously desired to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, that all these things shall be added unto me (matt. 6:33).
 
-first, i locked my keys in my car while about to leave for my first day of clinical! and let's just say that getting late to clinical is a big no no.. i was house-sitting, thus i didn't have my spare set of keys, so it was an instant panic. i was calling people to no avail at 5:45 in the morning. thankfully the homeowners had an extra car, and in the end after a frantic search i found their keys.
spare set of keys permanently live in my backpack now.
 
-second, when i was house-sitting again, i arrived late at night and forgot to fill my gas tank on the way. i have never run out of gas before, so i always assume i have enough fuel to get to the gas station. well, the early clinical morning rolls around once again and i go out to start my car to no avail. an orange light comes on: "please refuel." in disbelief and frantic again, i have no time to wait for AAA to come and save me. i cannot find the keys to the homeowners car anywhere, but then i notice gas tanks in the basement! i grab one and run to the car, and not so gracefully manage to put a few gallons in. Sweating and reeking of gas that i spilled all over my hands, i am off to clinical again.
i always find a gas station now, no matter the hour of the night.
 
-third, i slept past my alarm on a friday clinical, and woke at the moment that i needed to leave. i threw on scrubs and went out the door, and the frequently stopping school busses  on my way were the only reason i was five minutes late. 
alarm now always set with plenty of time to hit snooze.
 
-fourth, one evening during finals week, i spent all day in the library. i went for a quick dinner with my friend, leaving all of my things in the study room, and when we returned, the library was locked and dark. my heart sank as i got my cell out to call security. after all these years how do i miss the closing time?! security came to unlock and allow me to get all my things.
 
-fifth, one night when i was going to house-sit, it was late and i was tired. i stopped at a red light, looked both ways. no cars on either side. i had a momentary lapse in remembering where i was, and i pulled a honduran move and used that red light as a stop sign. i proceeded through the intersection and at the very moment when i realized what i had done and that there was no going back, i saw a police car. i have had my license for seven and half years and i've never been pulled over!! sooo frustrating. this police was nice enough to only give me a warning. 
my police radar is now on point. 
 
-sixth, i had to sleep at home alone once, and in this big house of my brother's where i live, it's not really fun to be home alone. i was feeling particularly afraid this night, having been talking about recent burglaries and sexual assaults with my special agent police brother. when i finally managed to fall asleep, a deafening alarm woke me. i was sure it was the burglar alarm and i couldn't move. i called my brother and praise God he answered his phone at three in the morning. he gave me the alarm code and told me to down stairs and turn it off. i had no other option. shaking, i ran down. turns out it was a malfunction of the fire alarm.
 
- seventh, i trained for and ran a sub two hour half marathon with my brother during this crazy semester!
this was the one good crazy thing that happened; it kept us in shape and kept me sane on many days.
 
all of these things (except the half marathon) happened to me for the first time this semester. these are supposed to be newbie mistakes, right?! and although on many days i thought am i losing my mind?!, i had more peace and more smiles on my face throughout each day then i ever have had before. i experienced the truth written in the scripture of 2 corinthians 12:9 more than i have before. He said to me: 'my grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in weakness.' therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
 
the difference was that yes, although i had little moments of panic and fear and worry and other such things that come when i lose focus, i ultimately sought to trust God more deeply and saw His grace in my life each step of the way. furthermore, instead of focusing on people's opinions of me and trying to please certain people, i spent time with people who spoke life to me and encouraged me in my faith, and in turn i was able to encourage other people. 
when life comes at us with things that strike fear, big or small, we have the choice to live in that fear, or to believe in the God who is in control over all. if we trust that He is using whatever situation we find ourselves in to bring glory to Himself and bring us closer to Him, we will see His faithfulness and have His peace, one not from the world or earthly comforts, but one that can only come from Him (phil. 4:7). 
 
these examples i gave are in fact little things in the grand story of life and quite comical in retrospect, but the point is this: in such a broken world filled with sin, everyone is living through life that is hard in some way at some time.do we have a hope greater than ourselves and circumstances to carry us through?
in whatever place you are right now, physically, mentally, spiritually, in any sense of the word "place"- i want to encourage you in the way that i have been encouraged: to see a grace and a hope that going even deeper than anything life can bring you. 
Remember, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (phil. 1:6).

My Daily Reminder

Today I had my second to last clinical day of the fall semester of my senior year (!!!!). My classmates and I had 12 weeks (24 clinical days) this semester, and we are one away from Christmas/ New Years break!
Today when I returned home I was simply so tired I couldn't even muster up the energy for a run or workout, and that usually never experience that! I think 4:30am Fridays are getting to me...

5 days until family time and Thanksgiving break. 
3 weeks (yes, 21 days!) until fall semester 2015 is complete.
4 weeks until I fly to Rwanda for Christmas to see Emily and Shami.
Less than 6 weeks until I fly to Honduras to see Kennet and my dear friends/family there.
All the deadlines. The count downs. The check marks crossing off the to-do lists, each one marking the next step closer to what I want to do or where I want to go so badly. 
But what about now, right this moment?

So today when I returned home, instead of forcing my eyeballs to stay stare at my computer screen and write my clinical journal and complete more learning modules and quizzes and practice tests that are due before my final exams after Thanksgiving, I took Ace for a walk with Brielle. I take the my four nieces and nephews who I live with one by one on walks with Ace so they can have some independent time and it's more enjoyable for everyone. I love when it's Brielle's turn because she is usually so quiet and independent that I never interact with her like I do her three siblings or my other nieces and nephews. She reminds me exactly of how I was as a child- so shy and quiet and particular and just loving to do my own thing and not being much of a talker. So naturally I love times with her when more conversations happen. And I love watching her run with Ace and laugh and talk to him when he does things she thinks are funny. Today I decided to take the long way home and purposefully relax and enjoy the moment, because counting semesters and weeks and days and hours, and yes, minutes, often steals that from me.

When we returned home made my favorite mint tea and I sat in the living room and closed my eyes and enjoyed the laughter and the noise of the kids. This semester has absolutely been the time of my life that has flown by the fastest. And I know after graduation, I am going to painfully miss my nieces and nephews so badly, to the point where it makes me cry as I write this. 
I am going to miss spending early mornings and late nights with my classmates and laughing with them and crying with them and trying to stay awake with them in class and working out with them in the sun and the rain and snow. I honestly cannot imagine life without them, to the point where I can't actually believe I am wishing these days away most of the time. 
I know that life has seasons and with each ones comes growth and change and more good things. And sometimes the loss of good things. But if I am following God I know that it always best. 
When I tell Kennet about nursing school life and life in general, he tells me that he prays that I will enjoy my last year, because it goes by so quickly, and these days we don't get back. 

Every season of life has happiness and sadness. Things we see as hardships, as impossible, and things we see as beauty. But I have to remember that God is in all of them. I don't know what will be my last and what a tragedy it is to live life never knowing the beauty of the moment and always living for the next thing coming. 
At whatever stage of life you are in, I encourage you to take a step back and force yourself to go for a walk or make a cup of tea or do something to put away the urgent for a few minutes and take in your surroundings and tell yourself "I want to remember this forever." And make it part of your daily life. 
Remember what is important, what is lasting and what is not.

No Longer Slaves (Jonathan and Melissa Helser)

This is my declaration as I celebrate completing 24 years of life and begin this year that will end in me completing a quarter century.

Cheers to living each day and each moment as if it could be my last, rejoicing in nothing else than being a child of God and no longer a slave to fear.

A Cloudy Eclipse

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts". -Isaiah 55:8-9

Last night we had a super blood moon total eclipse. I was hearing all the chatter about it from friends at school and on facebook. I was so excited anticipating this great event, but I didn't understand what all of it meant, so during little breaks from studying for my first pediatric nursing exam, I was reading an article about it. I have always loved astronomy, and I love those rare or "once in a lifetime events," (hence why I biked 25 miles with my friends this weekend in attempts to see the Pope in our city). Anyway, I found out that this astronomical event where three separate lunar events converge hasn't happened since 1982 (only happening 5 times since 1900), and won't happen again until 2033. As I said, I have always loved astronomy; when I was just a little tiny one and my parents would let us stay up late and stare gaze, looking for shooting stars at the lake or on the roof deck outside my parents' room. 

But last night, every time I went outside to see the moon, thick gray clouds were covering as far as my eye could see in every direction. My friends a couple hours north at home in Bear Creek were having better success, but my friends and I around here got nothing. I couldn't believe that this rare event, this beautiful alignment of the sun, moon, and earth, was being completely covered by clouds! A bunch of misty clouds were entirely blocking my view of the powerful sun shining on the moon. When I think of what the sun is made of and what clouds are made of, I think it is amazing that clouds have the power to completely separate us from seeing the sun. 

As I continued to study pediatric nursing and checking the sky every once in a while, I was thinking about how I sometimes let the clouds in life completely blind me from seeing the goodness of God. I forget that the clouds might not be beautiful to me, but what would earth be without the clouds? Bone dry and dead. We need the rain and the shade to keep the earth and us all alive. 

God is the creator and orchestrator of our lives. I have to trust daily that He knows best and that His promises are true, even when I don't see it. When the clouds are covering the sun and the moon and I wonder if they are there, I have to remember what I know to be true. That I have seen them, experienced them, and I know they are there. When I wondering if God cares, I have to remember that I have seen Him, experienced Him, and instead of shaking my fists and complaining about the clouds and that I have to study instead of watching the blood moon, I can trust that His ways are perfect, and in the end of the story of my life on earth that God is writing, if I have been been faithful to rejoice and trust Him in every season, I will be able to see all the ways He used my life for His glory, which is the point anyway.

I may not have been able to see the blood moon last night and won't get to for at least 20 years, but God used it to reminded me of His faithfulness whether the sun is shining or the clouds are surrounding me and covering all the light. It is all needed and all part of the story. 


Louie Giglio has a sermon about astronomy and I think about it often. About how God's greatness is in fact far beyond my comprehension and I remember how small I am in the grand scheme of life, yet loved infinitely, beyond measure, individually. Each of us are known and created uniquely by Him (this sermon is definitely worth a watch; I've been listening to this one since I was 16 and it never gets old :)). 

You Don't Know You're Beautiful

     I may or may not have titled this post from a One Direction song, but let's admit, some of their songs have great lyrics.

     While in Honduras this summer I had an interesting experience one day at the mall with my friend. We were browsing around, looking for a birthday present for a friend. Coming upon a clearance table, of course we stopped to see if there was anything worth buying. 
     Not having much time in the sun this summer, my skin color is fairly white, and when compared with most of my Honduran friends who are pretty tan, my skin looks even whiter. It's an on-going joke between me and the friend who I was with that we would trade skin colors if we could. It's that idea that people always want the opposite of what they have. I always laughed about that concept and never thought of it as a big deal, but at the clearance table when my friend reached for the "whitening cream" to make her skin paler, something struck me. I have purchased countless bronzing and tanning oils and creams and have spent hours in the sun trying to tan my skin as much as I can. And here my friend was purchasing cream to make her skin whiter. 
     I got so angry in that moment that society tells us that we need to look a certain way to be the most beautiful, and we believe it and we literally buy into this lie that we need all these make-ups and body products in order to look ideal. It's all a hoax in the pursuit of money. 
     Now I did grow up being taught indirectly that make-up is bad, and even though I tried to wear it in my early and mid-teens, it was soon burned into my brain that I should not wear it. So from then on I didn't put much thought into make-up, and I struggled with not judging people who did wear it. Fast forward to after I graduated and moved out on my own and then started college, there was a lot of confusing thoughts I had about it and I never really landed on an opinion. I sometimes wanted to wear make-up to dress up, but I felt badly about it. By my third year of college I became indifferent to whether people wore it or not. I personally didn't have enough hours to sleep at night and usually barely had enough time to make coffee before running out the door in the mornings, so make-up was  certainly off of my to-do list. 
     Then when I had this experience at the mall with my friend, I just got angry and sad that we believe that we need to look a certain way to be beautiful and I wished that make-up didn't even exist.  
     It's funny though because during this same time in Honduras before this encounter, I was learning to like wearing make-up for fun and for dressing up because most of my Honduran girl friends love it,  but it was not something I felt was necessary for my daily life. 
     So I leave you with this: I had professional make-up put on for the first time in my life for an event I was going to in Honduras, and it was great fun and a memorable experience. I have never looked like that before, and some people didn't even recognize the photos of me! But you know what my friend told me with whom I went to the event? That I didn't need the make-up, that I was just the same without it because I am who I am no matter if my face is colored a certain way or not. 
     Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised (Proverbs 31:30, NLT).