beautifully broken

   i want to share an unedited account of my week so far...

   i came back to school on sunday evening from a five day thanksgiving break at home at my sister sarah and brother-in-law dan's house. great time of laughter, good food, sunny runs around the lake, and lots of sleep. i came back a little stressed out about being able to finish out my last few weeks of the semester really well, and that was already on top of being frustrated at myself for having a negative attitude my last night at home and taking it out on the kids (my little nieces and nephews). moreover, i came back to find that my wallet was not in my dorm and nowhere to be found. would i have to get a new license, credit, and debit card? i was trying to book flights for christmas break and spring break and things were not quite going my way. because of all this and my already negative attitude, every other little things was getting me so annoyed.

   that night i got practically no old testament homework done and i felt very unaccomplished. i sat on the sofa across from my friend in the lounge to complain to him about my life of unfortunate events. when i almost began to ramble off my mishaps, i realized how ridiculous it was in the grand scheme of life... my friend told me that it's truly not a big deal... don't sweat the small stuff. God is still good. the problem wasn't my problems... it was me. my attitude and priorities were in the wrong place. since when did not having my wallet become more important than trusting God? 

   i remembered when just a couple days before moving back to the US from honduras, i left my iphone in a taxi. i had almost gone the whole year without losing anything really important, and then i blew it. of course i freaked out, knowing the chances of me getting it back were slim to none. let's be honest, that phone was my safety net, my connection to the world, and i didn't want to lose it. soon enough i gave it to God and stopped worrying about it, knowing He'd give it back to me if i was supposed to have it. very long story made short, twelve hours later the phone was returned to me. my trust in God grew a lot more than i imagined through that little incident, and i no longer held quite so tightly to my material possessions... until i lost my wallet and freaked out in the same way (only this time more internally). after talking about it that night as i said before, i gave it God and realized that if i was supposed to have my wallet then i would get it back, and if not, it obviously wasn't necessary. the next afternoon i found out from panera bread that they had it and i remembered that i left it there before break. 

   i believe God is allowing these little frustrations to occur because it's reminding me where my priorities lie. i am able to see if i just say that He is more than enough for me, or if i really believe that and live that. when i get caught up with school and life, things that don't matter become big distractions. the more time i spend with God, the more i realize that He is all that matters... it was never about what i wanted or thought i needed.
   yesterday at chapel our guest speaker Rev. Dr. Charles McNeil spoke on faith and doubt. as the service was closing, he said that we don't have to have a perfect faith to be touched by Jesus...the only way to keep real faith is to admit our doubts and struggles. on monday night i was talking with a friend about what i've been going through and learning this week as we ran laps in the cold darkness around the soccer field, and i expressed my frustration at myself for my attitude and the way i took it out on her and other people. she reminded me that we should be grateful that we have each other to keep accountable and that it's evident that the Holy Spirit is working in me because i see these things in me and hate them. in our brokenness we can beautifully magnify Him and remember it was never about us anyway.

November 11, 1994 was the day I became a big sister for the first time. My mom gave birth to baby number 6, our little brother Matthew Jeremiah. When he was born, we didn't know that he would only be with us for just one month because he had a heart condition that could not be fixed. Today Matthew would be celebrating 18 years! Although his life on earth was short, I have the hope of seeing him again on the other side of eternity, where there will never again be death or separation!

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:16

I was a proud big sister :)

beauty in so many ways

As I am immensely enjoying my first semester of college and the beautiful fall, along with the blessing of being able to share it with family in friends, I often find myself thinking about Honduras. Everything about my life there.... and then yesterday I got a nice surprise. I received an email from one of CURE's staff at the headquarters, asking if I would translate a message which they received through facebook from one of their patient's moms in Honduras. 
As I translated this message, I was reminded what a beautiful mission CURE is fulfilling and how thankful I am to have been (and to be) a part of it.

Translation:

Hello, I am the mother of Enmanuel Mena, a six month old child who was born with clubfeet, and I was recommended to come to CURE. It's the most wonderful organization in the world. In that place lives Father God. I don't have words to thank CURE for what they have done for my little one. In this place you find what you are looking for. A beautiful welcome, love, affection, peace, joy, smiles, and above all, an encounter with the all-powerful God. I am very thankful. Thank you.

update... san pedro > north carolina > bear creek, pa. > st. davids, pa

I really can't believe that I am writing that my year in Honduras with CURE is now complete and I am now back in the US getting ready to start college at Eastern University. Life has been overwhelming in the last week and a half saying goodbye to one life and hello again to the other, and now hello to a whole new life on the college campus. I've thought about not even writing about it because it seems like too much to put into words; how can I sum up a year in Honduras where I feel like I've lived a thousand lives yet it passed in the blink of an eye? Life in San Pedro and working with CURE as well as church life and life with friends at the Musical Garage and Juventud Para Cristo (JPC or in English, Youth For Christ) gave me life experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life and memories that still make me laugh out loud when I think of them and I'm pretty sure will keep me laughing for the rest of my life! One of my biggest dreams since I can remember was to live in Central America and learn Spanish, and this year has brought me not only that but so much more than I imagined. Most importantly my relationship with the Lord grew much deeper and stronger; through the sad and sometimes really frightening situations I learned to trust Him as my only source of everything- when nothing materially was of comfort, He was all I had and all I needed. I really learned trust in whole new way at whole new level, and gratefulness as well as I watched the Lord bless me with dear friendships that blessed me truly beyond my imagination (Eph. 3:20-21!).
Saying goodbye was imaginably one of the more (or most) difficult moments in life as these kinds of goodbyes always are, but as we say in Honduras, we don't say goodbye, we say see you soon :)
I flew with Ace to North Carolina where my parents and four younger siblings currently are, about an hour outside of Charlotte on Lake James. I spent my first four days back in the US with them and some of my dearest friends from Virginia, George and Joni and their three little girls and Tyler my best buddy who is also beginning his college adventure. The days were full of fun and also relaxing, just chilling and talking (or watching my sibs doing gymnastics and wrestling moves), running through the beautiful mountain roads, swimming, wave running and tubing like crazy people, cruising on the pontoon boat, going to Camp Lake James for awesome food and a big pool, paddle boarding (and paddle board flipping :P), eating Mom's good home cooking as well as amazing local Italian. Star gazing at night and remembering the endless power and majesty of our Creator, making a camp fire and roasting marshmallows, having devotions together and encouraging one another. It was good to spend these days with my family having fun before the next big move, although inevitably I was having Skype dates and facebook chats with all my Honduran family who wanted to know how my travels were and how I was doing. Missing them and things like the Saturday night Musical Garage were the only things that made these days hard, but that is part of life and transition, and I am reminded to look forward to Heaven when we will all be together forever!!! One night I was talking with Tyler and as we discussed beginning college and such topics, he really encouraged me to keep strong the friendships I've developed in Honduras even as I go on and make a new life with new friends at Eastern. That was huge for me because I felt like no one understood that for my whole life I've had only few authentic (for lack of better words) friends, and the Lord so graciously blessed me several true friends there, the ones I don't make or lose easily. Tyler somehow understood that, and to have friends on this side understand the importance of my life on that side is a rare blessing and comfort. It's hard to cross the two worlds but when they do even in a slight way it brightens the way.

After NC I flew up to PA and spent the week with my sister Sarah and her family at home in Bear Creek. I unloaded (or exploded) all of Honduras life into my bedroom and attempted to reorganize and collect everything I would need to take to college. I tried to keep it as simple as possible, but man, things accumulate quickly into massive amounts. In several days I had it all packed up and thankfully it all fit into my sister's Golf. Besides all the unpacking and repacking, the week was super fun with Sare and her kids, just hanging out, painting nails, jumping on the trampoline, reading books, quadding to the lake, running around Bear Creek Lake, shopping at Target for some college essentials, eating lunch at the cafe with Lauren (my best friend from home), and watching Titanic (I've finally seen it! And have been singing the theme song ever since)... All these fun summer Bear Creek activities I had to fit into one week! On Friday Mom flew up to help me load the car and move me into school. And Saturday morning that was it... here I am!
After a year of being several countries away and not participating in any family activities, I am thankful to be an easy hour and a half drive from Bear Creek, twenty-five minutes from my brother Andrew and his family, five minutes from my Aunt Janet and Uncle John, and so close to many of my Haas cousins in the Philly area!
I have super sweet roomie, Abbie, an awesome RA, Emily, and great hall mates! Abbie and I clicked very well from the start, and I'm super thankful that if I could've personality matched myself with anyone on my floor she is definitely in the top two!


To wrap up I will say that I'm very glad the Lord has brought me to Eastern at this time. I am very excited for this semester and feel totally at peace. We had a great worship service this morning and message from our chaplain Dr. Joe Modica and I am hopeful and excited to grow under this leadership. This past week, though, as I've made this transfer from Honduras to home to Eastern, it's been an emotional roller coaster of missing life and friends in one place and being thrilled be with long missed family and friends in another place and excited nervousness anticipating a new place. All of this has brought me to one bottom line: wherever I am, however I feel, whomever I'm with, my joy comes from the Lord. My strength comes from the Lord. My peace comes from the Lord. And He gives it to me wherever I am. Every step along the journey.
Yes I miss Honduras. I miss my patients and co-workers at CURE. I miss the Musical Garage and my friends. I miss Juventud Para Cristo and hanging out at Mauricio's house. I miss touring with CTI. I miss baleadas and jugo de guanabana, I miss sopa de caracol, I miss so much of the simplicity of life there. And when I'm there I miss so much of the life and people I've grown up with. Life is full of "missing" because that's part of the journey. But I have to focus on what the Lord has blessed me with in each season. I can't focus on the "missings" because I will miss the blessings of the current place I am and the people who are currently on the journey with me. My joy comes from the Lord wherever I am and not from circumstances, and if I could remember that, I think there would be a greater peace and fullness of life each day.

PS- my roomie Abbie brought the same exact air freshener for our bathroom that I had in my apartment in Honduras, so whenever I walk into my new little home of a dorm room, I think of my sweet little home in San Pedro. If you know how smell-oriented I am, you know how huge this is. Smells more than anything (well maybe second to pictures!) take me back to the place where I first experienced it. A little bit of home brought to my new home.

Remembering...

...the ninth birthday today of my baby bother Daniel William. I know that he is whole and well with Jesus and I'm looking forward to joining them on the other side of eternity!

San Pedro > La Ceiba > Puerto Lempira

This past Thursday after work was done here at the hospital, I headed out with Dr. Ted Beemer and his wife Susan (a nurse anesthetist) for a mobile clinic on the very east coast of the country. Of all of our mobile clinic sights that we have, this one is definitely my favorite! First we had to drive three hours (more or less) eastward to the beautiful city of La Ceiba which is right on the north coast of the country, and there we stayed at Rainbow Village, a hotel owned by Germans that I quickly fell in love with. We stayed here because airport is only one block from our hotel, so at the wee hour of four'o'clock in the morning we got up and drove over across the street to the tiny Ceiba airport. We were the only ones there except for one guard, and we soon found out that the plane would leave at six, not five!
So at six'o'clock we gave the attendant our re-useable tickets and boarded the fifteen passenger plane. As we taxied down the runway and I tried to get my seat belt to click, I noticed the pilot had his window open. Thankfully before we took off he closed it, but I never did get my seat belt to work.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up with a view over a blanket of white clouds. I fell back asleep and soon we were coming in close over the shoreline where vast water spread out in one direction and small shanties dotted the land in the other direction. Then I saw a a red dirt runway, and school children in white tops tucked into navy blue pants or skirts walked along the side of it, as well as men on hand-peddled bikes who were previously lobster fishermen but had been injured and became partly or totally paralyzed in the legs.
In just one hour I had traveled to a in a different world.

We came to a smooth landing and upon exiting the plane, gave our passports to a man in an army uniform with the biggest gun I've ever seen. Maybe it's because he was rather small, but it crossed from his shoulder to below his knee and looked about as heavy as himself. Besides the two men in army uniforms, there were some other people asking us if we needed a taxi ride and others waiting for the five other people on our flight.
We didn't have to wait even a minute before we saw Katrina waiting for us with the Gator. Katrina and her family have been missionaries there in Puerto Lempira for many years now and work at the orphanage Casa Esperanza (Hope Home). We threw our bags in the Gator, jumped in the back, and headed down the dirt road full of potholes. Only a few minutes later we arrived at Hope Home where we would stay that night. I barely had the chance to get out of the Gator with my bags in two before two little boys with big glowing smiles came running over and threw their arms around me. What better way to be welcomed?! They greeted me cheerfully and I told them I was going to put my bags in the room and I would be right back. As soon as we put our stuff away, it was time to head over to the hospital with Katrina and Jess (a volunteer nurse at Hope Home). We took with us mugs, hot water and instant coffee to have some breakfast before clinic started, and we also brought homemade yuca cake. This, friends, is seriously THE BEST FOOD EVER. I know that I have a lot of favorite foods here, but this definitely topped them all (and the best part is that it's so simple- basically yucca with milk, eggs and cinnamon and sugar). So with all this goodness in tow, we gatored down the dirt road through the town until we came to the hospital. This hospital would hardly be qualified to be called a hospital by most people that I know; the building is simple and run down, and the hygiene is extremely poor. But this is all they had and we were going to make the best of it. There, Dr. Marianne was waiting for us with a long list of patients ready to be seen, with her translator as well who would translate for us from Moskitio to Spanish for the patients from the rural areas who didn't speak Spanish. Marianne has lived there in Puerto Limpera for many years, having a clinic at Hope Home as well as having her own feeding program with about fifty children at her house, as well as eight Honduran boys of her own. Every so often she brings patients over to us in San Pedro for surgery. We are very grateful for her partnership and ministry to the people in this part of Honduras (and some from Nicaragua as well). After yucca cake and coffee we began seeing patients, some who had already been operated on at CURE and some new patients who needed operations. Slowly by slowly we continued through the day, some patients doing well and some that no surgery or treatment would heal, ones only to be healed with prayer. Dr. Beemer saw about forty patients in all, about eight hours in clinic. It was a successful day over all, and we were ready to go have fresh seafood soup at Marianne's house (on the beach) about two miles across town, along with her many precious feeding program children.

Here Dr. Beemer is showing nurse Jess how to do clubfoot casting. Jess and Dr. Marianne will be doing the followup casting for the several clubfoot babies who came in that day.


Our clinic crew: Dr. Beemer with a patient and mother, his wife Susan behind him, our Moskitio/Spanish translator to the right, and nurse Jess front left. Below left in green, Dr. Marianne (a hero to Honduras!)

Baby Ana Galilea was born with a hand deformity and amniotic bands on her right leg which need to be treated as soon as possible. She is scheduled to come to CURE for surgery in September with Dr. Marianne

Lindon has severely bowed legs and will also come in September for his surgery.

Harvey was born with a deformity of the right leg and foot and surgery is being planned so that he will be able to walk!


This is Isaac, one of the residents at Hope Home. He and his two brothers were all operated on at CURE in 2009 for their clubfeet. This is him now, with two straight feet and doing well!

After a long day I was happy to lay down and sleep in the quietness with breeze blowing through the window. No AC in Puerto Lempira.... the weather there is simply perfect. I woke up with the early sunrise at five'o'clock the next morning, to a view out my window of the red dirt runway in the distance and nothing else besides trees to be seen and roosters to be heard with the occasional sound of children's voices. I was really happy in this place and wasn't quite ready to leave. A young lady volunteering at Hope Home with ROOM was in the room next to mine, and as the doors to both of our rooms were open, as I was getting ready I saw a little brown baby with nothing but a diaper sound asleep on the middle of the hardwood floor in her bedroom. I thought to myself that I wouldn't mind staying and here and having some little brown baby of my own to take of. I finished getting ready and put my backpack in the Gator. As Jess and I drove out I waved goodbye to the children playing in the yard and digging in the dirt. Five minutes later Jess dropped me at the little shanty airport where Dr. Beemer and Susan were already waiting with Dr. Marianne, and soon my friend Jose who I had met the night before at Marianne's house showed up to wish us farewell. We chatted for the remaining minutes that we had together, and soon a little airplane came in the distance. The passengers exited and the luggage was unloaded onto a rickety wooden wheelbarrow used as a luggage cart. Marianne and Jose walked to the airplane with us and we hugged them before boarding. I know that Dr. Beemer and Susan will be back before long, and I can only hope that one day I will as well! God's plan and His timing area always perfect- so as I ate knock-off brand Lucky Charms and read "Mountains Beyond Mountains" on our flight back to Ceiba (before falling asleep), and then as we drove back to my beloved and hot San Pedro, I had peace that I will one day be able to go back if that is part of the plan.

Flying into Puerto Lempira


View of the airport from the plane window

Marianne's house after dark. I'm standing on the shore- the house is built over the water. And it's like manic land in there- big dogs, little dogs, new puppies, boys and girls of all sizes running in and out of the house. Boys cooking and sweeping up spilled rice and mopping up the mud all over the floor. And somehow Marianne has peace through all the chaos, and it's a beautiful thing to be a part of.

Gathering around the big table with many of Marianne's children for dinner. There's a small church made up of chairs and a thatched roof right beside the dining area here, so we got to listen to the youth practicing their music during and after dinner.

thoughts from an early monday morning...

Yesterday morning as I woke at 5:15 and was getting ready once again for another Monday, at that time, like most Mondays, I did not really want to get out of bed. Even though Monday is one of my favorite days because it's clubfoot clinic day and all of our precious babies come for new casts, bar shoes, or just a followup, there are still those days, usually Mondays, when I'd rather sleep, if you know what I mean.
As I was getting ready, still half awake as I dressed and took Ace outside to walk, I just felt so heavily on my heart to pray for several people on my mind, people that I pray for anyway when I think about them, but I don't know why the Lord put it so clearly and heavily on my heart the burden to pray, and not just so, but I felt so strongly the need to spend more time in prayer, just in general. In wondering why and where this was coming from, I realized that I felt this because in the recent times I haven't been serious enough in my communication with the Lord. I'm one who likes to pray throughout the day as people come to my mind, but often times recently I've been getting up early (as always) and going to bed extremely late, spending my days at the hospital and evenings with friends, which is great, but I needed the Lord's gently reminder that when I wake up so early and start thinking about the day and going through the motions, and then when I crash at the end of the day with energy for nothing more except to lock the door, brush my teeth and turn off the light, things start getting out out of focus. The days start to lose purpose and rather than feeling hopeful for life, either for myself or for others... it becomes overwhelming and worry begins to rob my peace and joy from the Lord. He reminded me to pray more intentionally, beginning and ending my day with Him that He may be the focus throughout, because this is what I need. Prayer is what brings me closer to the Lord, prayer aligns my heart with His, prayer is the power of Holy Spirit in us (Romans 8:26). Prayer is what moves us to action. As I pray for others, I see that I equally benefit. Prayer helps me to be honest with my weakness. The Lord already knows me better than I know myself; nothing is hidden from Him (Hebrews 4:13). Yet in my human nature I give excuses and pretend I have it all together. As C.S. Lewis said, we must lay before Him what is in us, not what ought to be in us. See, the Lord already knows what's in my heart! My need to pray, my need to be open, is for my benefit, that the Lord may cleanse me that I may not continue to walk in darkness. The more I give the Lord what is on my heart and He takes the burden from me, the more I see that there is no where else I want to be but in His presence.
My Monday morning turned from a tired, not-wanting-to-get-up morning to having a renewed joy for the day. Simply because it was the day that the Lord made, and He was in it. He is in each moment and has a purpose, whether I am aware of it or not. I had renewed energy because no matter how many hours I sleep during the night, the JOY of the Lord is what gives me strength! (Nehemiah 8:10).
While reading the Bible before clinic started, I began the book of First Timothy and I came to this verse: I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. (1 Timothy 2:1 NLT). What confirmation of what had been laid on my hear! My deep need to pray, not how I had been before, but with a new desire. To pray for others for their sake and for mine. To pray because as His child He desires to be with me and wants me to be closer to Him. And when I am with Him I realize that there is no better place to be, that life has joyous purpose, eternal purpose.

Psalm 51:10: Create in my a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.

Some of our clubfoot cuties... left to right, top to bottom:
Percy and his mom, Jorvin and his big sister Jenifer, Erik,
Manuel, Colmar and his parents, Juana,
Jorge, Daniela and her mom, and little Edis (who is now a much bigger and chubbier baby!)