A Call to Anguish

In our second week of classes for the spring semester.

Haas fam had our 13th annual retreat this weekend in Philly. Always good to see everyone.

I think it's the coldest this week that it's been all winter.

Sister flew back home to Rwanda tonight :( 

Little brother having another surgery tomorrow morning in NYC. Thanks for continued prayers.

Sister goes for driver's license this weekend! First time I won't be the youngest driver in the fam.

I wish classes weren't keeping me from going to Hawaii to be at Rich's memorial service. He was like a second dad to me and Margie like a mom, Suzanna and Andrew like my own brother and sister. He was my first pastor and dedicated me at my birth. How grateful I am for them and how I want to be with them words cannot say. 

I will have to write a summary of my busy month between fall and spring semester. It was quite unforgettable. For now, I'll leave you with this video. 

Maybe my family will look like this one day. 

Grateful.

   Given the title, I'm going to start with Eastern. Basically, Eastern is God's gift to the world. Ok, maybe for you that's a stretch (ha), but for me, every single day I am grateful to be a student there. I can't believe that I finished my first semester two days ago (!). Overall, these past three and a half months have been the best time of my life that I can remember since being a care-free child. For God's timing, for the professors and friends and everything I'm learning and experiencing, I'm so grateful to call Eastern my school. I'm grateful to have completed this first semester, and that Eastern is teaching us to live a story that is so much bigger than ourselves.
   I'm grateful that Eastern is near Andrew and Jen (and their three babies and Ace, my pup), and that I can call their house my second home. 
   I'm grateful that when I go home to Bear Creek, Dan and Sarah and four happy kids are there to welcome me into my other second home.
   I'm grateful for my mom and dad who love me so much and pray for me everyday. They are cheering me on from wherever they are and wherever I am. I'm grateful that they had the desire to teach me to see the positive side of every situation instead of the negative, to find something to be thankful for in every moment.
   I'm grateful for four older siblings and four younger siblings. How each of them brings a different joy to my life and is so much a part of who I am.
   I'm grateful for a brother-in-law and sister-in-law. Love them like my own.
For my seven nieces and nephews (and one on the way!), words cannot express my gratefulness.
   For an extended family who loves each other and loves to have fun, I am grateful! Aunts, uncles, and cousins all over the world, always full of laughter and good stories when we are together.
   During this break between semesters, I'm grateful for a chance to slow down and spend time with family and friends who I don't normally get to see. This break I'm going to visit friends in Danville, Hershey, Sanibel (FL), Nicaragua, and Honduras. These are just a few of the places where dear friends lives, and some of these places are home to me.
   My sister Emily is coming home from Rwanda. Can I even express how grateful I am to see her?
   Grateful for new running shoes and a body that has the ability to run and jump and dance.
   Grateful for laughter over little things that sometime aren't even that funny, but they are funny to us. We laugh till we cry and can't breath and fall on the ground with hurting stomaches. 

   Above all I am thankful for Jesus because He is the reason that I am grateful for all of this. Grateful because even if I had nothing else, He would be enough. The reason I can love is because He loves me, the reason I can live is because He lives in me. Without Him I have no passion and no purpose, and because of Him I have life with joy and eternal hope. I'm grateful for the times that I'm reminded that life wasn't meant to be so complicated, it was meant to be simple because Jesus is more than enough. I need simple food and simple clothes, and I need to find my joy in Him and the people He has given me. I am a part of His eternal story, a story that is so much bigger than myself, and I am so humbled and grateful that I am even a small of it.

And while we're on the topic of gratefulness, check out this latest blog post from one of my favorite writers. 

As we close out 2012 and come into a new year, I pray that you find joy in the simple things in life that make it so meaningful.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD's favor has come."

Luke 4:18-19

beautifully broken

   i want to share an unedited account of my week so far...

   i came back to school on sunday evening from a five day thanksgiving break at home at my sister sarah and brother-in-law dan's house. great time of laughter, good food, sunny runs around the lake, and lots of sleep. i came back a little stressed out about being able to finish out my last few weeks of the semester really well, and that was already on top of being frustrated at myself for having a negative attitude my last night at home and taking it out on the kids (my little nieces and nephews). moreover, i came back to find that my wallet was not in my dorm and nowhere to be found. would i have to get a new license, credit, and debit card? i was trying to book flights for christmas break and spring break and things were not quite going my way. because of all this and my already negative attitude, every other little things was getting me so annoyed.

   that night i got practically no old testament homework done and i felt very unaccomplished. i sat on the sofa across from my friend in the lounge to complain to him about my life of unfortunate events. when i almost began to ramble off my mishaps, i realized how ridiculous it was in the grand scheme of life... my friend told me that it's truly not a big deal... don't sweat the small stuff. God is still good. the problem wasn't my problems... it was me. my attitude and priorities were in the wrong place. since when did not having my wallet become more important than trusting God? 

   i remembered when just a couple days before moving back to the US from honduras, i left my iphone in a taxi. i had almost gone the whole year without losing anything really important, and then i blew it. of course i freaked out, knowing the chances of me getting it back were slim to none. let's be honest, that phone was my safety net, my connection to the world, and i didn't want to lose it. soon enough i gave it to God and stopped worrying about it, knowing He'd give it back to me if i was supposed to have it. very long story made short, twelve hours later the phone was returned to me. my trust in God grew a lot more than i imagined through that little incident, and i no longer held quite so tightly to my material possessions... until i lost my wallet and freaked out in the same way (only this time more internally). after talking about it that night as i said before, i gave it God and realized that if i was supposed to have my wallet then i would get it back, and if not, it obviously wasn't necessary. the next afternoon i found out from panera bread that they had it and i remembered that i left it there before break. 

   i believe God is allowing these little frustrations to occur because it's reminding me where my priorities lie. i am able to see if i just say that He is more than enough for me, or if i really believe that and live that. when i get caught up with school and life, things that don't matter become big distractions. the more time i spend with God, the more i realize that He is all that matters... it was never about what i wanted or thought i needed.
   yesterday at chapel our guest speaker Rev. Dr. Charles McNeil spoke on faith and doubt. as the service was closing, he said that we don't have to have a perfect faith to be touched by Jesus...the only way to keep real faith is to admit our doubts and struggles. on monday night i was talking with a friend about what i've been going through and learning this week as we ran laps in the cold darkness around the soccer field, and i expressed my frustration at myself for my attitude and the way i took it out on her and other people. she reminded me that we should be grateful that we have each other to keep accountable and that it's evident that the Holy Spirit is working in me because i see these things in me and hate them. in our brokenness we can beautifully magnify Him and remember it was never about us anyway.

November 11, 1994 was the day I became a big sister for the first time. My mom gave birth to baby number 6, our little brother Matthew Jeremiah. When he was born, we didn't know that he would only be with us for just one month because he had a heart condition that could not be fixed. Today Matthew would be celebrating 18 years! Although his life on earth was short, I have the hope of seeing him again on the other side of eternity, where there will never again be death or separation!

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:16

I was a proud big sister :)

beauty in so many ways

As I am immensely enjoying my first semester of college and the beautiful fall, along with the blessing of being able to share it with family in friends, I often find myself thinking about Honduras. Everything about my life there.... and then yesterday I got a nice surprise. I received an email from one of CURE's staff at the headquarters, asking if I would translate a message which they received through facebook from one of their patient's moms in Honduras. 
As I translated this message, I was reminded what a beautiful mission CURE is fulfilling and how thankful I am to have been (and to be) a part of it.

Translation:

Hello, I am the mother of Enmanuel Mena, a six month old child who was born with clubfeet, and I was recommended to come to CURE. It's the most wonderful organization in the world. In that place lives Father God. I don't have words to thank CURE for what they have done for my little one. In this place you find what you are looking for. A beautiful welcome, love, affection, peace, joy, smiles, and above all, an encounter with the all-powerful God. I am very thankful. Thank you.

update... san pedro > north carolina > bear creek, pa. > st. davids, pa

I really can't believe that I am writing that my year in Honduras with CURE is now complete and I am now back in the US getting ready to start college at Eastern University. Life has been overwhelming in the last week and a half saying goodbye to one life and hello again to the other, and now hello to a whole new life on the college campus. I've thought about not even writing about it because it seems like too much to put into words; how can I sum up a year in Honduras where I feel like I've lived a thousand lives yet it passed in the blink of an eye? Life in San Pedro and working with CURE as well as church life and life with friends at the Musical Garage and Juventud Para Cristo (JPC or in English, Youth For Christ) gave me life experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life and memories that still make me laugh out loud when I think of them and I'm pretty sure will keep me laughing for the rest of my life! One of my biggest dreams since I can remember was to live in Central America and learn Spanish, and this year has brought me not only that but so much more than I imagined. Most importantly my relationship with the Lord grew much deeper and stronger; through the sad and sometimes really frightening situations I learned to trust Him as my only source of everything- when nothing materially was of comfort, He was all I had and all I needed. I really learned trust in whole new way at whole new level, and gratefulness as well as I watched the Lord bless me with dear friendships that blessed me truly beyond my imagination (Eph. 3:20-21!).
Saying goodbye was imaginably one of the more (or most) difficult moments in life as these kinds of goodbyes always are, but as we say in Honduras, we don't say goodbye, we say see you soon :)
I flew with Ace to North Carolina where my parents and four younger siblings currently are, about an hour outside of Charlotte on Lake James. I spent my first four days back in the US with them and some of my dearest friends from Virginia, George and Joni and their three little girls and Tyler my best buddy who is also beginning his college adventure. The days were full of fun and also relaxing, just chilling and talking (or watching my sibs doing gymnastics and wrestling moves), running through the beautiful mountain roads, swimming, wave running and tubing like crazy people, cruising on the pontoon boat, going to Camp Lake James for awesome food and a big pool, paddle boarding (and paddle board flipping :P), eating Mom's good home cooking as well as amazing local Italian. Star gazing at night and remembering the endless power and majesty of our Creator, making a camp fire and roasting marshmallows, having devotions together and encouraging one another. It was good to spend these days with my family having fun before the next big move, although inevitably I was having Skype dates and facebook chats with all my Honduran family who wanted to know how my travels were and how I was doing. Missing them and things like the Saturday night Musical Garage were the only things that made these days hard, but that is part of life and transition, and I am reminded to look forward to Heaven when we will all be together forever!!! One night I was talking with Tyler and as we discussed beginning college and such topics, he really encouraged me to keep strong the friendships I've developed in Honduras even as I go on and make a new life with new friends at Eastern. That was huge for me because I felt like no one understood that for my whole life I've had only few authentic (for lack of better words) friends, and the Lord so graciously blessed me several true friends there, the ones I don't make or lose easily. Tyler somehow understood that, and to have friends on this side understand the importance of my life on that side is a rare blessing and comfort. It's hard to cross the two worlds but when they do even in a slight way it brightens the way.

After NC I flew up to PA and spent the week with my sister Sarah and her family at home in Bear Creek. I unloaded (or exploded) all of Honduras life into my bedroom and attempted to reorganize and collect everything I would need to take to college. I tried to keep it as simple as possible, but man, things accumulate quickly into massive amounts. In several days I had it all packed up and thankfully it all fit into my sister's Golf. Besides all the unpacking and repacking, the week was super fun with Sare and her kids, just hanging out, painting nails, jumping on the trampoline, reading books, quadding to the lake, running around Bear Creek Lake, shopping at Target for some college essentials, eating lunch at the cafe with Lauren (my best friend from home), and watching Titanic (I've finally seen it! And have been singing the theme song ever since)... All these fun summer Bear Creek activities I had to fit into one week! On Friday Mom flew up to help me load the car and move me into school. And Saturday morning that was it... here I am!
After a year of being several countries away and not participating in any family activities, I am thankful to be an easy hour and a half drive from Bear Creek, twenty-five minutes from my brother Andrew and his family, five minutes from my Aunt Janet and Uncle John, and so close to many of my Haas cousins in the Philly area!
I have super sweet roomie, Abbie, an awesome RA, Emily, and great hall mates! Abbie and I clicked very well from the start, and I'm super thankful that if I could've personality matched myself with anyone on my floor she is definitely in the top two!


To wrap up I will say that I'm very glad the Lord has brought me to Eastern at this time. I am very excited for this semester and feel totally at peace. We had a great worship service this morning and message from our chaplain Dr. Joe Modica and I am hopeful and excited to grow under this leadership. This past week, though, as I've made this transfer from Honduras to home to Eastern, it's been an emotional roller coaster of missing life and friends in one place and being thrilled be with long missed family and friends in another place and excited nervousness anticipating a new place. All of this has brought me to one bottom line: wherever I am, however I feel, whomever I'm with, my joy comes from the Lord. My strength comes from the Lord. My peace comes from the Lord. And He gives it to me wherever I am. Every step along the journey.
Yes I miss Honduras. I miss my patients and co-workers at CURE. I miss the Musical Garage and my friends. I miss Juventud Para Cristo and hanging out at Mauricio's house. I miss touring with CTI. I miss baleadas and jugo de guanabana, I miss sopa de caracol, I miss so much of the simplicity of life there. And when I'm there I miss so much of the life and people I've grown up with. Life is full of "missing" because that's part of the journey. But I have to focus on what the Lord has blessed me with in each season. I can't focus on the "missings" because I will miss the blessings of the current place I am and the people who are currently on the journey with me. My joy comes from the Lord wherever I am and not from circumstances, and if I could remember that, I think there would be a greater peace and fullness of life each day.

PS- my roomie Abbie brought the same exact air freshener for our bathroom that I had in my apartment in Honduras, so whenever I walk into my new little home of a dorm room, I think of my sweet little home in San Pedro. If you know how smell-oriented I am, you know how huge this is. Smells more than anything (well maybe second to pictures!) take me back to the place where I first experienced it. A little bit of home brought to my new home.