Think not that I have forgotten those for whom you pray. Think rather of the many signs that your way is know to Me. Embrace those you love, near and far, with arms of love, prayer arms. Let My love flow through your prayers to bless. Truly I say to you, My love seeks an entrance into lives that are closed to My voice. My love seeks without violating the freedom I have bestowed. My love waits, and in the meantime, I call you to believe, to expect, to love, and to pray. That is a dignity and a privilege I have bestowed on you. Do not despise it, My child.
With my peace I bless those who seek it. It is found in the unexpected places and times, for it is not a peace as the world knows it. My peace is found in surrender. To the extent that you agree with my will, you realize that peace. It may be in the midst of uncertainty, even of pain, but when your will is united with Mine, peace follows. It cannot be otherwise.
Stress grows from your vain attempt to control your future. It comes from believing that you know the way you should go. O foolish one! I am the Way and I know the way. To surrender is to give in
to My way over yours. Since my way is life and peace, does it not make sense to choose it? Great peace have they who love My way.
-Hal Helms
These past few weeks have been very hard for me because of the continued struggle and seemingly insurmountable setbacks being thrown at me, despite efforts to move forward with improving the dynamics and communication in my immediate family. It has been just about one year now since we started counseling with our counselor and life coach who has personally helped me come
so far and helped my family develop better life skills. I was beginning to develop higher and higher hopes as I began to get my own life together and I was learning how to love my family better as a whole with all the different tensions and dynamics with so many people (14, plus my two baby brothers who aren't here with us [Nov 11 and Aug 20 are their birthdays so I'm especially thinking of them today], plus now my 8 dear little nieces and nephews). Life is hard no matter what, family is hard no matter what, and the more people there are, the more differing opinions you can have, but also I believe (at least I
want to believe!) the more love there can be!
Progress was slow but sure, because we were seeking help and seeking God while learning so much about ourselves and our family and how to live life well. However, my siblings and I received new recently that my parents have decided to stop the counseling process altogether. There was potential that our counselor would only be working with the siblings and in-laws from now on (as my parents were not liking the process), so it was a literal shock to receive the news that it was coming to a sudden stop. After the shock wore off, I sat at my desk and in although I wanted to study, I burst into tears at the sadness and the seemingly hopelessness of it all. Without seeking continued help it seems that our slow progress would become so much slower and more difficult to navigate.
With the stress of needing to achieve a certain exam average on each of my tests this semester in order to be able to stay in the nursing program at my university, it all seems completely overwhelming. Totally beyond what I can handle. I am not the brightest crayon in the box nor the sharpest tool in the shed, and although I know that God is equipping me one day at a time for what He has called me to do and has invited me to be a part of, and I know that He is allowing me to go through all of this at once, it sure feels like I cannot handle all of it. In that regard I feel like I am neglecting much of family-related things that I need to be working on because my focus has been my education right now.
I talked with my two older sisters for a while that day (we called an emergency three-way iMessage meeting), and we sorted through feelings of anger and sadness and frustration and then we reminded ourselves to
never lose hope and to keep on keeping on every day, no matter the obstacles, and to laugh to keep from crying. Laughter is good medicine.
As I sort through all my varying thoughts and feelings that come each day, there are two lessons that I am learning right now.
Never give up.
Never stop praying. I cannot choose how other people will live their lives or treat me, but I can have control over my own life and not let them invade my boundaries, and I can love them where they are. God is the one in ultimate control, and I have to
choose to love and respect because of Him. He knows what is happening right now, He knows everyone's hearts, He knows the future, I do not. All I can do and need to do is love in the appropriate way.
It's kind of ironic and cool that Max Lucado was the speaker this past weekend at Show Hope's annual fellowship weekend... and what did he speak on? Prayer. Simple prayer. Check out his book "before amen" if you are interested to learn more!
We are all in the same boat. In one way or another, life is hard. For everyone. Most people are suffering far more than myself in much more extreme ways. We all know the brokenness of the world, I don't need even need to explain that in any way. I am coming to believe, however, that God does not want me to compare my sufferings or trials with others. I believe that I should trust Him through my individual circumstances and seek Him always with a heart of thankfulness. I believe that each person has unique circumstances in their lives and that the goal should be to bring about the best and to work towards honoring God always, and not comparing or ignoring problems because they seem "less than." I think every situation should be compared to God's best, and to keep working towards it.
Among my many emotions these days (and even though they seem crazy, I thank GOD that I actually have come to a place where I can
feel again after several years of really not being able to do so), I have been struggling with guilt for two reasons, one is that this is somehow my fault and that if I was a better person or daughter then my mom wouldn't have left the counseling. It's a horrible feeling to think that I could have prevented this. My other bigger guilt has exactly to do with how I am learning to not compare-- I feel guilty for having these feelings and having my thoughts consumed with my own nuclear family (when not with my studies), because I feel as though most everyone else has it a whole lot worse.
My friend didn't just pass away from a heroine overdose. My little son isn't struggling with a congenital heart disease. I'm not prevented from running and dancing because of a spinal chord injury. I don't have to drop out of university because of lack of funds. This month isn't the anniversary of my dad's death. I haven't given birth to a stillborn child. I'm not being tortured for my faith or fleeing my home to seek safety. The list could goon without end. All these things are happening or have happened to the people in my life who are so close to me. But as I said before, we all the know the brokenness of the world and in each of our lives.
What I am learning though, is that we are all in the same boat in one way or another, and our feelings are the same. I may not go through what you go through, and you may not go through what I go through, but I can tell you that I believe that God goes through every struggle with us, every good day and every hard, every step of the way. He is our sustainer and He is the one hold our whole lives in His hands from beginning to end. He has given us each other to be supports to one another, to encourage each other to never give up and to keep on keeping on. To share with each other whatever we may have, the lessons we are learning.
Life is hard. If you are looking for an optimist you won't (unfortunately, I might add) find one readily in me. I am writing to myself when I blog, I write usually because I know the words in my head to be true but at the time I do not really believe them or feel that they are true in any way. I see the sadness in my own life and the sadness all around me and the whole planet. Somedays it is hard to wake up. Somedays I wish I was never born and I don't wish it upon another human being to ever have to walk the face of this broken world. Until now, I have not been able to bring myself to admit to any of my siblings or counselors (much less the public) that I have struggled with depression for many years. With our most recent counselor I was getting close to that point, but unfortunately we didn't get that far. It is (finally) something I have forced myself to bring up with my current counselor here at school, and it was my main goal from the start to deal with this issue, because I've had so many counselors for such a short time with whom I have just beat around the bush and never dealt with the heart of the matter. I think I gained enough courage to deal with the real stuff when it dawned on me that my options were either begin to fix it or I was going jump off a cliff. So now I feel it's appropriate to talk about the process. To be honest and vulnerable is quite freeing, but it takes quite a bit of courage, an amount that I didn't have for so many years. It's hard to believe that for so long now I could have been working on this and actually be enjoying life and wanting to wake up in morning. It's amazing what fear can do to someone. It's paralyzing.
There is and has been a sense of worthlessness and emptiness deep inside me that no amount of loving words and no amount of hugs was filling (and I want to clarify that I although I know this is a lie as I wrote about back in July, what I'm trying to get at is that knowing something is a lie doesn't necessarily make the feelings then go away). It's hard to reconcile that deep within me under everything on the surface of everyday life, I truly have been believing two opposing things: that I am worthless and a burden to others and that life is really not worth living. It's strange because it's contradictory to what the people closest to me say to me and how they love me, but that is the odd and confusing part about depression I think. It doesn't just go away by ignoring it and surrounding myself with loving people. It's something deep inside that has to be worked out, something I believe only God can truly work out. The other opposing thing I believe at the same time is that I also believe that joy is found in God in His love for us in the brokenness, in His restoration work of making beauty out of ashes and making the sick well again, of bringing God's kingdom to earth. These are things that I believe deep inside, in the core of my being. I really don't understand how the two can coexist, maybe it's that yes, my faith in God is real and I know that He loves me, but depression, just like everything else in this broken world, exists. And God wants to heal us all, but we cannot be ignorant of the brokenness. And up until now, in this case, I have been! I am in the beginning stages of this process.. if you have any words of wisdom on this subject, feel free to help a sister out!
As I close this post that I have been composing for many days now, I will say that as I continue to become more and more honest and find more freedom in life... I just might be an optimist before I know it!
Psalm 126:5: those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.
Keep on keeping on, friends. I believe it's worth the fight.
peace
anna grace haas
